This may be an odd question. Hell, even I think it’s odd. You’ve been forewarned.
I have been (and I can only assume others have as well) on this do-I-really-want-to-die-or-not kick recently. God that sounds pathetic. I go through periods of ready, willing, and able, just deciding on a good time and place then back to I don’t want to hurt those I care about before once again planning. I once went to a therapist. She said she couldn’t help until I decided if I was willing to stay alive and actively participate. Yet how does one decide that? What thought processes does one go through in order to make up their mind on something like that?
My mind is such a jumble trying to figure it out. We all die eventually anyway so who cares if it’s tomorrow or in 50 years? Still, I know suicide hurts those left behind. But is a suicidal person’s pain any less influential in the decision than the pain of those family/friends? All of the meditating and pro/con lists in the world can’t seem to relieve my indecisiveness. Quite frankly, I don’t care whether I live or die but a decision needs to be made. Anyone else dealt with this and/or found a decent way to make the decision clear? Thanks.
2 comments
im on the boat but sightly diffrent. i wanna die cause i dont take joy in anything. theres no reason for me to live and i go through phases of im ready lets do this! and plan it out. in fact the other day i planned on tomarrow night or wed morning to pull the plug but the next day i just lost it. heck i even found the gun to do it but now im too scared for some reason. unlike you i dont care to much about the people around me cause their part of the reason i want to. the ones i do care about wont know cause their far away. i guess im not helping you much but you know im in the same boat sorta
I might not have the answer to that but I can speak from personal experience. I could make this really long but I guess I’ll spare you the details of my story. I do need to give a brief story, of when I actually was going to take my life, to try and explain my answer though. So bare with me while this sounds a bit off topic. Basically I had given up… I was done. Rubbing alcohol was my poison of choice and I was ready to die. You know what saved me? A text from someone I hardly knew at the time. Earlier we had been talking and they had asked how I was doing, to which I replied ‘Alright’. But unlike everyone else they didn’t dismiss it, instead they asked ‘just alright?’. That one simple text saved my life. Someone actually spending enough time to question my lies. I started thinking about if this was what I wanted. I never thought it would matter if I stayed around but then again that person never thought that simple reply could give someone pause to a life changing decision. What if I could do that for someone else? Just one person. If I helped just one person I would know my life wasn’t a waste. So I figured, why not? What do I have to lose? Why don’t I try to live completely different with one goal and one goal only in life, to change someones life who’s as far gone as I am. I’m already suicidal so it’s not like I have anything to lose right? And so I did. And now, almost a year later, dying is no longer what I want. I still have those thoughts but it doesn’t consume me because I have other reasons for living now. So if you ask me, you cant really know if it’s better to live or die. Why? Because in just a single moment your life could change. What it is now might not be what it is in a year [or even tomorrow]. My personal advice would be to see where your life takes you. Dying is always an option, living isn’t. And if your live isn’t worth living, think of something you’ve wanted to do [even if it’s completely crazy] and see what happens, after all, what do you have to lose?