I’m 17 years old, a senior in high school. My grades are flawless, I’m going to college next year on an academic scholarship. I’m going to be a neonatal nurse, to save innocent babies. I’ve never drank, never smoked, I rarely swear, I refuse to do drugs, and I’ve told guys no when they want to sleep with me, all to set a good example for my younger sisters. My teachers love me,”I never fail to brighten their day!” Next month I’m going to be an American Sign Language teacher to elementary students and in March I’m going to be an aunt for the first time! I have friends who love and support me which is why I absolutely love school and my favorite thing to do is make other people happy!
Why do I cry myself to sleep practically every single night then? Why have I considered suicide so many times? Why do I feel so guilty and so worthless?
When people ask me about how it feels to know I’m going to college next year I smile and pretend to be excited, but honestly I’ve never been so scared for anything in my life. Everyone thinks I’m hilarious, but what no one would guess is that I have to have weekly meetings with the school counselor because of ongoing family issues, an anxiety disorder, and an eating disorder. Last year things got really bad when I refused to eat for days straight, I was on both the winter track and swim team, practicing on 0 calories. I was forced into counseling by my school counselor and teachers which is where we learned my parents are in deep denial. I want to make my parents proud, I don’t mean to be so messed up… that’s why this time around I haven’t told them. The act I put on isn’t entirely fake; or at least that’s what I tell myself. My sister that’s pregnant was kicked out of my family a few years ago, now my parents want nothing to do with her. I’m not supposed to have contact with her but she needed my support so now I’m helping her without my parents knowing. Keeping secrets is exhausting. I don’t really talk to my parents but if I did I would look them in the eyes and apologize for not being perfect, for not agreeing with them, for starving, Â for not speaking, for being afraid, for needing counseling, for helping my sister.
Sometimes I want to die. I want to close my eyes and never wake up. It’s my darkest secret. My teachers, school counselor, friends, and coaches have described me as “remarkable†“smart†“beautiful†“amazing†“hilarious†“important.†But they don’t understand what it feels like to go home and never feel good enough. For Christmas, all I want is for my parents to tell me they love me. For them to support me and understand that it’s okay to not be okay. My parents don’t know I hurt, even if they did they would probably ignore it.
I pray to God for strength. I trust in Him to get me through this, to take me to a better place.
6 comments
All the things you said you want to apologize for – you shouldn’t apologize for. You’re better than 99% of the human race, and no one is perfect.
That really just made me cry. I try really hard to be a good person, and I know no one is perfect… my parents just have weird expectations I guess.
I sympathize with you. It seems that you are in a really rough spot. I would tell your parents about your current struggles. Not doing so will only reinforce their denial and increase that terrible weight on your shoulders. Should they react negatively, at the very least you will have expressed your true feelings and cleared your conscience. In the meantime, talk to a counselor! There’s no substitution for face-to-face confession, not even anonymous internet advice.
My parents don’t do well when people tell them I’m not okay. They don’t expect me to be perfect, they just expect me to act like I am… if that makes sense. I am really terrified of counselors, except my school counselor and it even took awhile for me to be okay with talking to her. I have faith things will get better, lately has just been pretty stressful.
I spent 2 decades apologizing to a parent for something I shouldn’t have been apologizing for. I can now see that that’s over and I don’t need to anymore. Handling parental expectation is extremely difficult. If you can communicate to them how deeply upsetting it is for you, they might – might – change their attitude a bit.
Your parents are pieces of shit. As much as I would hate to have a daughter get pregnant out of marriage, you don’t disown someone for that, you support them. Worse yet, they try to alienate you from her as well. Even if they disagree with some of her life choices, you’re 17, which is old enough to make good decisions without being swayed by the “bad” older sister.
It sounds to me like you are a bit too much caught up in what you “should” be and not enough in what you want to be. It’s good to sometimes put on enough of an act to be sociable and draw people towards you; you just need to find that right balance.
You sound like a really cool person and I believe with a little maturity and feeling more comfortable in your own skin you’ll be an even better person to be around. I’m sure any quality person would be happy to have you as a friend.