Strangest thing…. today when I was brushing my teeth it just sunk in. This thought…. I said it aloud then. I DESERVE BETTER! Then I said it again and again. I think I finally believe it. The thing with me is that, sometimes my feel good revelations are short lived. Until someone knocks my pack of cards by a light flick. I can’t say this too will stick. But get it!
Yesterday I googled a camp song I once heard… No body loves me, everybody hates me, I think I’ll go eat worms…. and so on… It made me laugh, because I was indulging in self-pity. I do that sometimes and I hate being pointed out. I think everyone goes through self-pity, self- doubt and self-loathing. So it has to be a normal feeling. No one actually feels like that all the time. Atleast I don’t.
Sure, there is a darkness in me that kicks in, when situations get out of my control. It might just be a little trigger. I just need to manage my state then…. so I don’t do anything stupid. I know it is stupid…. well most of the times at other times it seems like the perfectly logical solution.
But for today…. “I think I’ll die another day!”
4 comments
Glad you had an epiphany. I hope others come out of it including myself.
However – depression is not a pity based illness. It is some serious shit. Sure it looks STUPID once you feel better – but suicidal feelings are not stupid per se – it is a symtom of enormous pain.
Some make it. Some dont. I am happy you plan to stay. But suicide and clinical depression are as ugly and vicious when you have it – and so many are lost to it.
KeepBreathing4Now I am on precarious grounds still. Hope this newly found self worth stays with me. As i said I am prone to mood swings. I know when one is in that particular phase, that all consuming feeling that keeps pulling u down and down.
I wonder if there are only few of us who go through these rock bottoms or everyone does?
One of the most honest questions I have heard someone with depression ask out loud. I wonder too.
Everyone I met in life thus far ( and I am an old MF) has stated they have gone through them at least once.
Some EXPERTS say these lows may occur several times in a person’s lifetime. For some it is a one time deal. I suppose – but have no idea – identification of depressive symptoms and treatment application and method during recovery would impact the outcome. IOW: I would presume so. But I have never known any other way. That is my brain.
Some have situational depression brought about by death or divorce (as an example).
I kinda lean towards the idea of support network as influencing the course or direction of future relapses.
For example – the site is here to help one another. In real life we should be able to walk up to or call someone and feel safe telling them how shitty we feel. But the safety net is not there – either because people do not understand and fear suicide and depression and run from its scary side…. or these people make it seem like we are broken and fucked up not worthy of help or their support.
So we turn to the net. Places like this. Where no one is going to call the cops at the first mention of wanting to die. If people would just fucking LISTEN and hear what we have to say and not judge us or control us – there would be more understanding and a fuck of a lot less people wanting to die.
So many are never listened to and heard. It is like screaming inside and no one hears you or cares. Its like a MF nightmare. To not be heard. To not feel counted among the human race.
We get labeled – laughed at and shunned because we admit to how we feel.
I think probably a lot more feel this way but refuse to say so due to misguided beliefs about suicide or depression.
Its like – pull up your bootstraps mentality. If we just TRIED harder. The problem for some is that we HAVE tried and still feel alone, unheard or shunned. SO we stop the business of talking and turn to the last resort of dying to escape this shit mentality.
What would be nice if those who said pull up your bootstraps would pull up their own and get an education about depression. Do they also tell those with cancer to just GET OVER IT?
These same people are lucky to not feel as we do.
They claim to be STRONG. Well the truth is we are the strong ones to fight this battle for as long as we have and still breathe.
I have mood swings. BFD. I am so tired of apologizing for them – no I do not like having them it hurts and it fucking sucks.
But you ask a hard question to which I do not have the answer.
I think you put it into words quite eloquently. It is true if only someone would listen, take us seriously and not just say things like “deal with it” or “get over it already” we would connect to people more. Grief does exacerbate an already bad situation and upon that if we only hear words like stay strong or time will heal… or some other run of the mill I don’t give a crap what you are going through as long as you don’t get me down too line… one does want to jump out of ones bones.
So even if we are so called sensitive people… what ever that means… we are people all the same. I do think these forums are very beneficial. True no one freaks out at the mention of offing oneself. More often than not people are feeling so bad that this is the only way they can express what they feel.
I hope some day depression will be treated with the same delicacy and understanding that any other decease is.
As for now I sincerely hope some lives can be saved by the joint effort of people who do get it.