I mean, is it even possible to be “happy” at all?

I used to think positively.. I used to believe that everything I could see beyond all the bull the world has put in front of me, of us, was beautiful. I used to admire what beauty the world offered us beyond the structure of tall buildings and society itself, beyond the pure ignorance of these fellow people who believe their opinions should rise above those of anyone else.. I’m simply disgusted. Disgusted that I’ve been alive for the years that I have and still feel like I’ve nothing to show for it. Disgusted that I somehow believed that after all I’ve given with nothing to show in return, that people honestly gave a shit about me.

Everywhere I look I see sickness. I see sickness when my customers purchase cigarettes, when I see my own mother smoke so heavily in a day while her cancer just grows worse. I see sickness when I see the person I trust everything with allowing her diabetes to control her instead of the other way around. I see sickness when my father thinks that his needs are somehow more important than anyone else’s. I feel sickness when I can’t even look at myself in the mirror and see something of any worth, when I can’t even bring my own self joy.. And how could I be blamed? When I cannot escape sickness, depression, misery, because everyone and everything I’m surrounded by is the pure epitome of all three.. how am I expected to achieve happiness within myself if I cannot even find it around me?

This world isn’t enabling anyone to escape sickness. We’re all some sort of crazy, in ways no one else could ever know but ourselves. The truest thing I’ve ever come to realize is that we’re only able to trust ourselves. Everyone else will ALWAYS let us down, no matter how much faith or compassion we allow ourselves to have for them. That’s because people are only thinking of themselves when it all boils down to it, because living our OWN life is the only thing we honestly focus on. At the end of the day, it’s our life we’re making choices for, not another’s. While we can accept another’s opinions, at the end of the day we can only see our own. We cannot escape our own perspectives, which is precisely why the world’s greediest and most disgusting leaders are destroying our countries and our lives each and every day..

But for what exactly? Money isn’t anything but paper, and paper offers you nothing once your body no longer breathes. Why be so damn greedy when it will bring you NOTHING in the end? Why do we all allow ourselves to be slaves to what the world has taught us without any rebellion, if we’re truly unsatisfied with the state we’re in.. because there really is no hope of recovery in any form. We’re far too deep in the depths of what has been created for us, rid of choice or freedom to truly be ourselves because law simply doesn’t allow it.

I’m disgusted, I’m sick, I’m alone, and I’ve lost faith.. but if there’s anything I’m not, it’s blind. I will never allow society to keep me from the truth. The world is a horrible place, void of  true beauty because of the “make-up” placed over it to keep us from seeing its real face. The government is a joke, life is a joke, religion is a joke. Nothing makes sense, and I suppose that’s why all of this is the way things are and will continue to be.

I just see no reason to keep living. The longer I feel I’m trapped here, the longer I’m miserable until the day finally comes that I’m struck by death and free from the confines of life and ignorance. When I see everyone, including myself, becoming the people we swore we never would be.. it only opens my eyes more to the fact that I will never be presented with more than disappointment, in every regard. Depression isn’t what I’d call a disease, depression is what’s waiting once you realize that everything you’ve been taught is nothing but a huge lie, and you’ve been falling for it..