I Want to Change This Year

So it’s basically 2013 and I give up on those new years resolution. I know I won’t follow them, and if I do it won’t last. I know the number one thing is to stop hating myself and I just can’t, not alone. Number two on my list is to get more friends, REAL friends. I hate it when people tell me to be more social, if people don’t want to hang out then I won’t hang out with them. Number 3 is to stop my habits, including cuttting. Why I hate my self is because I started comparing myself to how I do math. My problems are like algebra to me, I can’t solve them. I know I depend completely on how others see me, when I realized that you can guess that made me feel pathetic. It makes me feel worse because the people at my school are very judgemental and narrow-minded. My grades can get pretty sh*tty, and my step-dad wants straight a’s. He yells at me if I don’t do something right, my favorite was when he called me a deaf idiot, deaf only from you yelling all the time. I swear it’s not child-abuse please don’t think that. I just wish he would listen and see I have problems too, ha I end up making myself laugh. As for my mother, she is good hearted she makes sure my dad keeps breathing and she would call a mind doctor if she found out about any of this. She can also be a drunk which I try to hide from my siblings. They say I’m shockingly irresponsible. Oh really? What about that time when I had to keep you awake when you drove us to school when I couldn’t breathe because of the alchohol and smoke smell that was filling the car MOM. or that time you fell down the stairs and nearly killed yourself, you have no idea how lucky you are to only end up with bruised ribs MOM. Wait, what about those times I had to hide you from my younger siblings until the beer wore off, and I had to be the responsible one because you couldn’t MOM. That was the time I was scared to death that she was going to lose her, it’s a thing of the past because she finally sworn off drinking…I hope. I wonder about what my birth dad was like, why mom left him. She says  they fought alot, but I know her better than that. Please don’t think that I suffer alot because it’s nothing compared to people that are starving in Africa, or kids who suffer real child abuse at home. I am as selfish as a person can get, and I hate myself for it. I want someone to talk to, I can’t ask any of you because 98% of you don’t need to. By the time you are done reading this you will eaither say, “damn what an insecure, selfcentered b*tch” or you might say,” if its really that hard to you why don’t you take out that bottle of aspirins?” or even,” I honestly don’t give 1 f*ck, 2 f*cks, red f*cks, or green f*cks because I have problems too.” whichever works for you. I don’t know how I ended telling a huge part of my life to you, and if you are still reading this congrats you have earned my respect. My point is that I want change this year, I don’t know about you guys but I don’t want to die just yet. Besides I (literally) don’t have the balls to kill myself. Now do yourself and others a favor, and put down your suicide tool. You can still pick up yourself and change.