90% of my thoughts are suicide.
I can never be happy, I’m convinced. I cry literally every day and I’m just really sick of it. I used to be normal, I really did. Then, I started high school.
In the beginning of my freshman year, I made some new friends. About three months into the year, for whatever reason, these “friends” decided that they didn’t like me very much anymore. I was severely bullied by them for the next two years, which caused me to start self-harming.
As soon as this started, I met a boy on the internet. He seemed nice enough, whatever. Over the next three years, I became closer with him, never meeting him. He was the only outlet for my emotions. Instead of cutting, I’d talk to him. When all of my friends hated me, he was always there. It escalated to us developing feelings for each other, and then eventually being “in love”. Looking back, this is so super pathetic, but I was 14 and I really didn’t know what I was doing/saying, I was extremely depressed, and the attention from him took over my life.
Eventually, I started to get better, and I didn’t need him anymore. The cons outweighed the pros, so I stopped talking to him.
A few days ago, I found out that the “guy” that had been “so in love” with me was actually a girl, and all of “his” depression, abuse, and other “secrets” were lies.
Even though I was far over “him”, it still really bothers me, and I’m getting bad again. It’s a constant battle not to cut.
I really do want to die, but I just don’t think I could ever do that to my family. I love them too much. They try so hard to help, but they just don’t understand how I’m really feeling, and I couldn’t expect them to.
Everything is triggering. Everything. Suicide is always on my mind. I don’t plan on killing myself, I really don’t. I just wish I was somebody else.
I have a really gross body and I’m just such an awkward person in general. I’m so insecure about every single aspect of myself.
This is really long, I know, but I just had to get it out.
Oh, and my best friend is about to start dating the guy I like. I mean, really? It just keeps piling up, one thing after another, I swear.
What even is happiness?