I am a 32 year old woman who still lives at home with her parents, been made bankrupt and had had two relationships (both under a year).
Up until 3 years ago I had my clinical depression under control, but then it all went to shit! Something happened at work and I hit lower than rock bottom.
I went from thinking I had lots of friends, good at my job, happy and in control, go being locked in a secure mental ward, leaving my job, losing all my friends and was left with no one or nothing!
People think committing suicide is so easy and its not. I am fat. Not only am I fat I have psychological problems which makes me despise myself and everything about me. I have OCD about putting myself down and criticising what I do all the time.
Due to being fat, the overdoses I have taken haven’t worked! So now I fat, pathetic, useless a d still alive to feel even more shit because I can’t even kill myself!
If I drive, I imagine into a river or a big lorry. I have stood on a train bridge and wanted to jump over. I have even thought about getting someone to do it for me. Every time I think about it, my parents faces come into my head and I feel guilty. They were devastated and they would not cope if I managed to do it.
I am now in that situation where I have two choices….
1) do what will make me happy and finish my life
Or
2) do what will make my parents happy and live and live everyday so unhappy that I can’t even get out of bed most days?!
Don’t ever think that suicide is an easy thing because it really isn’t!
9 comments
im sorry for your pain and suffering… i too have attempted to od and of course it didnt work :/… killing yourself really takes skill unfortunately. I really hope you find the peace and happiness you deserve however that may come. Much love my friend <3
Thank you sunflower. I really hope I do as well. It is the hardest thing in the world to go through depression without friends. My friends were amazing when I was happy Lisa who enjoyed going out and dancing stupidly, even though they never realised that was an act!
Since being ill I have piled on MORE weight and I’m not huge. People point and laugh and call me names. I try and lose weight but as soon as I hit a bad patch I turn to food and the knife!!
I struggle finding the help I need. The NHS refer me to a psychologist but she says I need my medication changing as I am too depressed and emotional to be helped by a psychologist. No one can change my medication but a psychiatrist and I can’t get to see one! It’s like they think I’m not worth saving and I have to agree. My parents keep me going, but there will come that time again when it’s not enough x
im sorry for your pain and suffering… i too have attempted to od and of course it didnt work :/… killing yourself really takes skill unfortunately. I really hope you find the peace and happiness you deserve however that may come. Much love my friend <3
wtf that’s bull shit… maybe youre just talking to the wrong ones. I feel ya i do the same put on a mask. and with food im the opposite i wont eat for days and i’ll hear kids talk about how skinny i am and shit behind my back. its horrible how mean people can be. Just try and stay strong in the mean time and spend time with the ones you love!
I will eat and eat and then I’m sick and I take diet pills and laxatives by the dozens. I have started taking pain killers to stop my head thinking so much and abuse them by taking over 20 500mg cocodamole a day and tramadol… Told the dr, wasn’t interested!
your right, suicide is actually a very hard thing to do, therefore you must find a way to make it work. you ARE your solution….and that’s a fact. you’ve had it good before, make it happen again!
be careful with popping pills… its really dangerous when your depressed and taking them. my ex is addicted and i’m pretty bad myself. just makes shit worse.
You can be OK again- you’re only a third the way through your life. You can’t lose weight until you’re happy as it’s part of your coping strategy. A GP should be able to change your anti depressants to at least something else that might work and they can put you on a moderate dose. A psychiatrist can only give you a high dose, because prescribing that much is restricted. My shrink (in Australia) has a plan for my pills going down, but we have upped them temporarily over Christmas- I still think that’s progress as I am managing to get through the season. She also makes me take liquid fish oils and Vitamin D because they seem to stop the side effects. Have a full blood test if you can- sometimes you can be anemic or your thyroid is too slow and they make you more depressed. Chin up & NO sedatives/pain killers- they make everyone sadder. My brother-in-law suicided after he was given painkillers for kidney stones while he was depressed & discharged from hospital. He should have been supervised.
I am brand new to this site and will not be here for very long. A strange title, It’s harder than it looks. I imagine it is all dependent on ones situation. Mental pain, physical pain or both. You see I also have a story. A story of both. I am losing everything I have ever loved over a car accident a year and a half ago. Legs and lower back pain have left me on a cocktail of drugs which has turned my life into hell. The accident was someone else’s ignorance and I and my wife and children pay the price everyday. So I look and feel my hell as soon as my eyes open everyday. It leaves when I fall asleep even though I only sleep in 2 hour increments because of pain. That makes my choice an easy one, easier everyday. I will leave soon and it will not be hard because the pain will be gone and I know I won’t wake up in 2 hours. It may look hard but nothing can be as hard as when I open my eyes.