just my experience

Well this is just going to be my experience that I had a few months ago.

One day, after having the pills set aside for such an occasion for many a months, I came home in a really crappy mood. Being the thinker I am, I went over in my head all the pros and cons for why I should kill myself. Long story short, the pros won over, and I decided I wanted to do it.

I shoved all 22 of the sleeping pills into my mouth and swallowed them as fast as I could so future me wouldn’t have time to change their mind. After I did so, I had nothing to do but sit and think.

As I thank, I cleaned my room, and put my dog outside with enough food and water to last at least a month. I went back to my room and layed down, and suddenly I felt different. Everything was spinning and I was dizzy, and not in a good way. I layed for a minute thinking over the pros and cons yet again, and suddenly the cons list grew huge, and all the problems I had seemed to have obvious answers. I began to cry, thinking that it was all going to be over and there was nothing I could do about it.

After about ten minutes of laying down and bawling my eyes out, I decided to try and puke up the pills. I attempted to sit up, and I couldn’t move. The weight of the cover on top of me was suddenly like a million pounds. I took in what should have been a large breath, but felt only like an ounce of air. I was having trouble breathing, every breath I took seemed shorter and shorter, and I was sure I was going to suffocate to death. Panic struck and I began thrashing at full force and finally got the blanket off of me, and struggled to sit up. Taking in huge breaths everytime I breathed helped, but my lungs still felt as small as a .grape. I grabbed the trash can with my shakng arms and gagged myself over the trash can. Nothing would come up. I hadn’t eaten in three days, so of course it was to no avail. I didn’t want to die at this point, at the least I just wanted to let life play out to I could do the stupidest things, like watch tv, or listen to music, even living a life with just those things seemed better than death. After much exasperation, I made it onto my feet and walked in circles around my room, knowing that if I stopped, I would fall asleep, and that if I fell asleep, I might die.

After walking circles for what seemed like forever, everything around me was black. I was still walking, I just couldn’t see anything. The next thing I knew, I woke up on the floor of my room, my alarm going off. It was six in the morning, and time for school. I was so happy I could still be alive, and I was greatful to have a second chance. Nothing was wrong with me in the morning surprisingly, except I was extremely shaky and nausious. But I was alive, and that was all that mattered. I went to school, and went through my day depressed as usual, and no one even expected that the girl in their class had almost died the night before.

That is my experience, and I just want everyone who reads this to hink hard before you make split decisions like I did. I still regret it to this day, and the memory is my worst memory of all, and I still cry every time I think about it. I am still depressed, and self harm, and all the other stuff, I just know that like everyone has always said, suicide is never the option, and I want my horrible nightmare to hopefully stand as something you will think back to when your thinking about killing yourself, and know that once make that decision, there is no turning back, and that I was really lucky that I can still be here today to share my story with you guys. If anyone ever needs anyone to talk to, I am here for you.

Please keep breathing <3