Ive Dealt with depression ever since middle school, and yes i believe it has gotten progressively worse throughout the years. I was never really the popular person or noticed even when i was at school or at home, and many family issues, i just felt like i was always just around to fill in a needless gap. Ive gotten good at acting like i was fine whether it be to what friends i do have as well as my family, but lately ive just been breaking down and i feel like all im doing is heading toward a downward spiral. My suicidal demon has always been around, I’ve tried, never has it ended well, just the feeling of shame after i look into my family’s eyes and telling them i love them because i feel like one of these days is going to be my last because i feel like im just going to break soon enough. they are the only ones that keep me sane whenever i do have thoughts like that, i just feel like i can only hold on for so long. I just feel like nothing new or positive is ever going to show up, ill still be stuck in this sickening place doing the same old thing everyday, and i honestly hate thinking that way and just be normal and live the day to day lifestyle. Boo Hoo right? i know people have it much worse than i know and i shouldn’t be complaining, and i just don’t see how they keep on going. The thought they know there is light at the end of the tunnel? iuno.. i just feel the loss of motivation, the drive to do anything anymore. i just feel im at the verge of breaking and nothing is really helping out, but ill try to keep on fighting, for i can not contemplate the thoughts my family and friends will think.
Thank you for you for listening
9 comments
Hello ad123,
I read your post…don’t worry…this isn’t a my shit is worse than your shit kinda site…all pain is relevant no matter what the cause. Your pain hurts you as much as my pain hurts me…it’s just what we do with it that is different eh?
Just wanted to let you know I read your post…and to welcome you to SP if you are new here or if this is your first time posting. Here to talk and listen if you would like. Feel free to ask questions…the sillier the better. No such thing as a stoopid question here…and no judgement either. It may take some time for others to come around…time differences and real lives to consider…but they will. In the meantime…make yourself to home…read some of the other posts and comment if you feel you have something to offer someone else…or you just connect on some level…respect the opinions of others…to a point..hehehe…and yep…lecture over…haha
Here if you wanna talk
Peace
Amakua
Well thank you first of all, yeah i just figured i needed some sort of outlet, other than keeping things bundled. Just helps to know im not the only one.
Well Ad123,
You came to the right place..lol And yes sometimes having an outlet or another opinion…it can help. It helped me. So how long have you been feeling this way? Have you been diagnosed with any emotional or mental disorders? Oh, oh…here come the nosy questions..haha Are you a teen or older? M/F? What colour underwear are you wearing? jk…about the underwear anyway…and I’m not a cop. But feel free to fill in the blanks if you would like…ask questions…create another post…whatever inspires you.
Just by way of introduction…I am a 51 year old woman who has suffered from many disorders…but have struggled with a severe depressive disorder(melancholia) from birth…shit you not. I have attempted myself several times…obviously unsuccessfully…unless having physical pain from failed attempts counts as success…haha But my last attempt was 12 years ago. I came close again last December…and ended up here…and the kind souls of SP saved a wretch like me.
Also…do you like brownies?
Peace
Ama
Ha, Ama! You’re a breath of fresh air. Thanks for telling the story you’re alive to tell! And glad to hear coming to SP helped you out. It helped me, too.
Oh, and ad123, thanks for posting. Glad you’re here!
Hey Myownway,
Have seen you about…don’t believe we have met. Nicetameetcha..haha How long have you been “here”?..meaning SP not Earth. As you have probably heard…I’m not always a breath of fresh air…I’ve been chased off a time or two with sticks and pitchforks…haha But meeee…I’m full of stories..it has been a long,…ummm…interesting life. Glad these nice people were here for you too. Will pay a little closer attention to your posts etc in future. Nosy old woman…haha
Yay SP
Ama
Hey ad123,
This is hard, but try talking to your family and friends.
I felt like that too. Or feel, I don’t know. Like wearing a mask to everyplace I went. A different mask. I just wanted people to think that I’m all positive, untroubled and go with smile-and-change-the-subject-thing. And it doesn’t work for very long. You lose yourself.
So just tell your family. They love you.
And life. Well life is quite complicated. In bad way. In good way. So something good will and ultra-positive will happen eventually. You just have t get past the dark patch.
And, well. If you don’t want to do the same stuff everyday. Don’t. Book yourself a flight that you can not cancel or just go somewhere and talk to someone or go to some festival. Anything.
And there is light in the end of the tunnel. And if it isn’t. Then turn back to the other lighty side. Because tunnel is like two-sided. Basically.
Just keep fighting, fighter by telling your family and friends.
Ama,
Nice to meet you, too. Not sure, but I think I came to SP years ago but only read a few posts. I rediscovered it only in the past week! I like how it’s one of the most open, uncensored (within reasonable parameters) site I’ve found on the topic of suicide. That’s probably one of the most helpful things anyone can offer to those of us who have struggled.
I’ve never been chased off with sticks and pitchforks before. Sounds fun! 😛
FUN Myownway…fun you say. Okay…it was…until it wasn’t…hahaha But I know how to take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’. Turned out I was my biggest problem…hahaha…so I took some time to work on me…and slogged my ass back here…ayup. I try to make a positive difference here…but I’m only human…sorta…and as such…I can be a snarky ***** sometimes…but can’t we all.
Hijack over…sorry Ad123…but we’re all waiting to hear back from you…yes we are.
Love
Ama