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my conclusion.

by sleeplesslydreaming

I’ve come to a conclusion: I’m insane. I used to think that I was just unique, then again, my young, naive eyes sought for any and everything that would make things better.
Looking at some of the crap other people have gone through and comparing their situations to mine, I feel like an ass. I really should be grateful for my life, but instead, I’m here, desperately seeking someone, even someone who is quite possibly as unstable as I am, to give me a reason. Just one.
I guess I should just get to my privileged-child sob story. Where should I start? Ah, yes, the first time I got this low; 6th grade. I was, I am, an outsider. I went to a school for adolescent geniuses. Everyone seemed to know someone else and I, well, I got acquainted with depression..Beautiful isn’t it, how depression is seen as the enemy, when often, it’s the only one there when you’re at your weakest…
High school… isn’t that explanation enough? Freshman year was, let’s say my blossoming stage. That was worded terribly, I know. Anyhow, I came out that year. Out of the asexual closet, if there is such a thing. Along with trying to accept my odd, and often unacceptable sexuality, I was also battling myself over my weight. I was, well, I am overweight, but it was worse back then.I am 5 foot and I was nearing 150lbs. So I did the natural thing and stopped eating. I don’t know, maybe my mental issues were a product of my suicidal feelings, but they surely didn’t help. Long story short, I stood in my kitchen, with a knife pressed against my throat, begging God to forgive me for what I was doing. But then an awful thought occurred to me; the person who was going to find me was almost surely going to find me was my four year old nephew. I couldn’t do that to him. Not in a million years.
Anyway, somehow, I pulled myself out of my fatal nose-dive. But now I’m here again. Lost in despair… I haven’t quite set my death in stone, I’m looking for a reason…..
All that I can truly conclude is that I’m crazy. Well that and suicide is sort of like a ghost, that haunts us all and yet, some escape its cruel grasp, and others are to weak to fight back.

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SadBk 12/29/2012 - 11:31 am

I compare myself to others too, and feel selfish for not appreciating what I have… which only makes me feel worse about myself… it’s human nature I guess? But we know there are plenty who have it worse than us and plenty that have it better. Doesn’t do anything to change your pain.

I think suicide is rather ghostly too. That’s a good way to put it, that it haunts us. It’s harder to do than most people realize so we continue to be haunted…

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