My Daily Life

Here’s a scenario… imagine your life was nothing. Imagine waking up every morning scared of what will happen today….knowing nothing will happen because you aren’t good enough and some one in your head constantly reminds you of it. You promise yourself it’ll be different but that second person knows it wont and flaunts it. You get ready for school and if you don’t have time or your hair isn’t doing the right thing you freak out and hyperventilate. You think you’re having a heart attack and can not breathe but you still make your way out the door and to the bus for school. Once you make it to school, you’ve calmed down and you have a big whooping smile on your face. Just like every other normal day. You have no choice. If you don’t smile people ask why and how do you answer that. “Are you okay…?” “no every morning I hate you and suffocate everywhere”. So you just smile and move on. You walk around feeling nothing important…scared out of your god damn mind you might mess up. Whether messing up means farting in class or dropping your stuff in the middle of the hall. You notice people look at you and feel there gaze lingering….you being to feel paranoid and you can’t help but look back. You realize you look like a freak and run to a bathroom. In the bathroom there’s already another girl there so you go in a stall and wait till she leaves. She doesn’t leave, you can feel the minutes tick by one…by….one. Another girl walks in so you decide you should leave. It’s already been to long she’ll think you are constipated. So, you continue to wait until it’s been 15 minutes and you don’t want to get into trouble. You quickly wash your hands and leave with no eye contact. When you’re out in the hall you hit yourself and fijit with your hands because how could you be so stupid. You make your way back to class and finish the day. Not daring raise a hand, frozen with fear. flipping out in your head at a bird flying by the window or a shadow. Maybe even something you THOUGHT you saw. When you think you should tell someone… the second person in your head says “Stop making this up.” “you’re a liar” “fat a**” “attention whore” ect. You know it’s not true but you hear it anyways…so you don’t tell anyone. Through out the day no one is mean but no one is nice….you lack friends and the ones you have you find annoying and boring. The only bully is the one inside you that wont shut up. When you make it home your sister says something terrible and is not punished so you get angry and think of all the ways you could kill her while she sleeps. You eat something and that’s when it starts. The yelling, the screaming, the little voice inside is angry with the way you acted today and sooner or later the past gets brought up and it’s downhill from there. The little voice won the argument ..just like last time. When it’s time for bed you don’t sleep. You can’t, the voice tells you all the things you did wrong. The normal you thinks of all the things that make you crazy but that little voice tells you, you just want attention. You cry and scream because you cant take it anymore you let the voice in because during school your good at shutting it out to stay normal. You want it to all be over, it would be easier to just end it. You find a knife but can’t harm yourself… you find pills but cant kill yourself. The little voice says…”Just one more day. Tomorrow will be better” Even though you know it is a load of crock. You fall asleep to music so you can’t here the voice and wait for tomorrow to be exactly the same…waiting for the day you can’t hold the voice back, because you have all this to deal with every damn day.

Someday’s I feel as though it will never end. My parents think i’m making it up. My sister wants me dead and Birds Want to kill me… I need it to stop.