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my story and pain

by deadinside84

i’m 28. currently unemployed and living with my mother. i just (on xmas eve) had my second consecutive miscarriage in less than two yrs (both different fathers, so it’s not a chromosome incapatibility) i’m beyond broken from this. ALL i think about is dying day and night. or getting so F’d up on pills so i don’tt ‘feel’ anymore but i can’t get any. my mother was supportive and comforting at first, then i got upset and called her a name. she wont let me forget it nor does she understand i did not mean it, i was hurt and taking my pain out on the closest one to me. now it’s all about her and what i put her thru. nobody cares about the anguish i am going thru. i enever did get over the first pregnancy loss and was so hopeful this last pregnancy. i can’t take it anymore. the name calling from her, the hatefulness ( and i was called hateful, evil and bitter amoung other things by her mother today). i feel like nobody understands or even cares to try to understand the anguish im experiencing. i just want OUT of this hell. i cry ALL of the time, wish everynight to not wake in the morning. i have a few ‘outs’ but they all invole suspision and i’ll get caught and stopped. even as afraid of heights as i am, i could hang myself from my balcony (dunno how to make a noose!), culd steal all of mother’s controlled meds and OD but shed find out quick and have me charcoaled in the ER, no garage so no Co2, no acceess to firearms or i wouldnt be here posting this. thought of drinking drain cleaner or something similar, but it’ll burn like F going down and prb not even kill me. when i told my mom i wouldn’t be around much longer she actually said ‘good just hurry it the F up so i don’t have to deal with you’ said i deserved the miscarriages ect. she thinks i’m joking or just talking outta my ass about it. i know im not supposed to ask for suggestions but i need out of this hell. please don’t try to ‘talk me out of this’ cuz one way or another it WILL happen. i just dont want it to be slow n painful. just want to go quick and maybe even high as a kite. 🙁

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4 comments

BartD 12/28/2012 - 3:40 pm

Hello. I’m perfectly familiar with the feeling of not wanting to wake in the morning. However in your case, why are you staying with your mother? You might be better off starting anew and opening a whole new spectrum of opportunities?

oracle 12/28/2012 - 5:06 pm

Hello,

I read you story. I fully understand how you feel. I fully understand that the feeling of pain and sadness is true and profound and it really makes you cry. I would not try to talk people out when I see that cases are really terminal and desperate, but what you relate, being 28 and because of two miscarriages, what the problem is, is not in the thing in itself but in how you are experiencing it. This is critically important.

To put it in other words, what happened to you would not affect about 95% of the women in the world, so that is good news, it means that the problem is not grave.

If someone told me he has terminal AIDS, then, there is little you can tell to cheer him up, but in your case….

As per your mother, don’t regret to have called her names, she is a fucking *****, you can tell her that a guy at the forum (me), said that, because what she said to you, her own daughter could not be more mean and despicable and truly describes the kind of ***** that she is. Chances are that she definitively plays a role in your depression. No loving father or mother would say such a horrible thing to a daughter that is depressed.

You are very young, only 28, you have many opportunities for everything. Even adopting a child is wonderful, I wish I could do it but since I have been unemployed for the last 20 years, I cant cater for anybody.

deadinside84 12/28/2012 - 5:44 pm

as of this time i have no other way of living arrangements unfortunately. and she’s making my pain even worse. i’ve explained why i said what was said, apologized countless times but to no avail.

deadinside84 12/28/2012 - 5:52 pm

and yes she is a fucking ***** ( i actually used th C word that day and she’s been holding true to it ever since!) i read ‘suicide is no longer a choice when the pain is so overwelming and you have little to no coping resources” that’s where i am at. i have NOTHING, nobody really except some long distance facebook friends. i feel like im on the edge of a steep cliff and one tiny step from being over the edge. i can’t even grieve properly with her being such a douche. i dont drive so i can’t just jump in the car and take off, nobody i could go stay with for a few days or so. literally nothing. and that pregnancy brought me so much hope for my future, which i feel died along with the baby. the dr’s are doing testing on the ‘sample’ and me as well, but emotionally i can’t handle anything right now.she’s the only support i had at all and now when i need her the most shes my enemy. literally constant thoughts of offing myself and even taking the hateful ***** with me at times!! she said something cruel and i asked her ‘how would u feel to drive up our st and see me hanging you sick *****?” her reply was to ‘place a large candle on ur head for a birthday gift” (it was her bday which I ruined!) so fucking sorry i’m damaged right now and not thinking about how i can make your day enjoyble!! its not just the m/cs its alot of things. but thats whats finally pushed me

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