Nearing the end

I’m 15 and I cant understand why I am alive.  Life just seems pointless, we live we get hurt we die. the end

is there something like a point to it ? I understand there’s happiness in live but is it really worth  all the pain we go through?

My heart has been broken so many times I don’t even know if there’s any of it left.  Everyone iv ever loved in my life has been

taken away from me some how, my step dad died of cancer and my mom was taken by drugs and my dad by alcohol . my sisters

following down the same path as my mother. I have a boyfriend who i care about very much but i cant help but think its just a matter of

time before he gets taken away too. I’m not good enough for him anyway.  It’s hard for me to get out of bed in the morning because

I sit there debating on whether or not its worth it, because i know its just gonna be  another day full of heart break and pain.

Death can end it all and end the pain but there are reasons i haven’t killed myself yet, On of them being my best friend who’s  been there for me from the beginning shes my other half and i love her to death. and then there’s my boyfriend who i care about alot but I think they both will do fine without me. I was talking to my therapist  and she asked me why i haven’t been eating enough and i told her because food is the enemy and the enemy cant win, then she asked what happens when u starve to death , who wins then? and i told her, Everyone.

I am a very fucked up person and i don’t think anyone really understands my way of thinking. I care about my friends and my boyfriend alot , they make me the happiest iv ever been especially my boyfriend he always makes me smile but there’s always this part of me that cant help thinking its too good to be true.   But then again isnt any happiness too good to be true.