Well, the long awaited Christmas break started Friday and I dont feel any better. My hopes were that with 1o days off from school that i could pull myself together and maybe actually be happy again. I was wrong, of course. Dont get me wrong, Christmas Eve and Christmas were pretty great- probably the only happy days ill have for awhile. Ive basically been hounded by my family about school and grades (the cause of my depression relapse and suicidal thoughts) the entire break. My mom is putting pressure on me to do well so i can get into med school like i want and putting pressure on me to do better than my brother and sister, my brother and sister are making fun of me, my dad trying to help by nagging, and its just too much. I simply cant take it anymore. I decided my death date about a week ago and im trying so hard not to just kill myself earlier. January 17th. That will be the best day ever. I wont have to deal with this shit anymore. I absolutely hate society. Especially here in America. Everyone expects you to get things done instantaneously when theres just no time to doÂ everything. And people wonder why heart disease is the #1 killer here, too much fucking stress. Even in high school.Â The idiotic teachers think that you have all night just to do their assignments when really, us students have 7 other classes’ homework to do. I just fucking give up. Teachers even say that its not going to get better or easier with the work load.Â I know that i will end up killing myself (or at least attempting) before graduation in 2015 because its just too fucking much. And no, school isnt the only reason i want to die.Â I have no friends. I have friends to talk to at school but no one (except one person who is a junior and i never see anymore) that i hang out with. I feel like im just the “back up friend”.Â My “friends” never really initiate conversation with me, I always have to and im just fucking tired of it. I dont fit in with anyone, im just the weird annoying kid that is friendly and nice to talk to but not cool enough to hang out with.Â Im more introverted and i cant help that. I feel like some people have it so fucking easy. And those people who think having a mental illness is “cool” irritate the hell out of me. They’re all like “I’m socially awkward haha” and i just want to scream at them because they have no fucking idea what its like to be afraid to go to a store because you have to talk to the cashier or to go out to eat because you have to talk to the waitress/waitor. Why the hell is being mentally ill cool? And if its so fucking cool, then why am i still a loser and alone in life? I haveÂ ADHD, depression, and maybe even social anxiety (all undiagnosed and untreated) so wouldnt that make me the coolest? Fuck people and their double standards.
I am dreading tomorrow. My family (dad, brother, sister, dad’s gf and her son) and I are going to the mountains on vacation for a couple days. I should be excited right? Wrong. Every vacation we go on with my dad’s gf and her son is just so fantastic <sarcasm>. My dads gf is a mega *****. Especially on vacation. She is always complaining and just being a fucking downer and creates all this drama. Like when we went to Disney 2 years ago, i asked my dad when we were gonna eat and then she goes on a rant about how people keep complaining (meaning me) even though she was complaining by going on the rant. And mind you, I’m a very sensitive person so it didnt end too well for me, i ended up crying. It doesnt sound that bad but im kind of downplaying it for you. She is such a mean person, i absolutely hate her. She also is always arguing with my dad.Â Always. She is always looking for little tiny faults to argue about. It pains me to see him fighting with her so much because it makes him so unhappy. And her son isnt too bad except for the fact that he acts like hes 3 when hes actually 12. Hes always running around and causing scenes and stuff and it irritates the hell out of me. But i dont want the vacation to end too quickly either because as soon as its over i have to do a history project that was due last week that i didnt do because i was too stressed and depressed to do anything. Its been hanging over my head all break and i just refuse to deal with it. I thought the break was going to be relaxing and would relieve my stress and make me happier. Hell, i even thought that my depression would magically disappear after having some time to relax. So much for that.
I want help, yet at the same time i dont. I want to feel better and happier and have a happy life. But i hate taking medication and i absolutely hate therapy. My dad tried getting us family counseling a few years after he and my mom got divorced. It wasnt very helpful. I just hate therapists, counselors, or whatever the hell you want to call them. Theyre all the same. They ask just one question that breaks down all your defenses. I dont want to open up to a complete stranger (funny how im doing it right now but i do have anonymity so its a lot easier). I just dont like getting help for anything. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable i guess. Im an independent person thats too proud to ask for help which i guess is a bad thing because im going to end up either dead or in a pysch ward for attempted/completed suicide. I dont know how to ask for help. I always come across as attention seeking when i tell my dad that i dont feel right or if i feel sick. And really i dont want attention. I want to be left alone to die in peace. And now isnt exactly the best time to tell him either. My brother was diagnosed with major depressive disorder over the summer, so it would worry my dad more if i told him that i wanted to kill myself. IÂ got a book for Christmas called 13 Reasons Why which is about a girl who committed suicide and left audiotapes for the 13 people who led her to commit suicide. My dad didnt know what the book was about until my sister asked when i opened it and he was instantly disgusted at the subject matter. So now i really dont want to tell him that im suicidal because he would be disgusted with me and would probably think that i was reading books about suicide to get ideas on how to do it.