I’ve been going through the motions for years now. I’ve put on a brave face, told myself if I try hard enough that life would be great, I’ve done it all. I tried drinking my problems away but my presistent optimism kept my from becoming a real alcoholic. Just recently my best friend and one of the few men I’ve ever loved got married. Out of the blue kind of married. Just a few days before all of it we were sleeping together. To top it off he got married 3 days after my birthday, lol he’s an ass but I do still love him. His wife hates me so he tells me to fuck off. He’s been abusive but I was used to it. I’ve lived with abuse for years. I’ve blamed myself for shitty others treated me justifying my their behavior. I was the family punching bag for years everyone’s taken a hard crack at me and never apologized, but i did and to them for making them treat me like shit. My only comfort was my pet dogs. But this last one makes me just as sad, her mother was my best friend when all my friends turned against me. She was my shinning light i did everything i could to make her happy, and i killed her trying to save her life. Being greedy hoping to have her for 10 more years I got her heart worm treatment with the little money I had which took her a week after I got to see her from missing her for 2 years. My friend Matt must have taken her place in my heart because now I feel just as lost. I’m not whiny I get that a lot people seem to blame me for my problems. But my real problem was trusting people. My mother used me for years and now because of her I’ve been living in Michigan for the last year with no electricity or gas, and right now I’m squatting as well. The only thing that helps is I’ve got a camp stove my dad and uncle helped me get. I used o have a decent job but now i work for 7.40 and less then 30 hours a week. I can never seem to get ahead. After putting gas in my car to get to my shitty job and buying food I have around 10 dollars left which still ends up in my tank. I thought I saw rock bottom years ago but I haven’t yet oh no not yet. I gave up school for my job and now I can’t go back. I can’t get financial aid anymore I used that when i was with my mom to live off of not take classes. I’m 25 and by the end of the week I plan to drink till i cant feel and die in my cold house alone after I find my dog a good home. I don’t want to see rock bottom so I might as well end it my terms not on the street somehow. And yes I’ve tried government aid but their just as cruel as the rest of the people in my life telling to live with my ad choices. Was it so wrong to hope to be happy? To just try and survive? I guess it was ha ha ha I guess it was.
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Hello Lilyrain,
I am so sorry it took so long to comment on your post. Are you new here to SP? If so …know you are very welcome.
You made me cry…you took me back in my past sooo deep. I have been homeless twice in my life…so far. It came close again in the last year. But with the help of some very kind souls on SP…I made it through this time. I mean I always made it through…but at great cost to my dignity…enough said.
I want you to know that I will not judge you…I have no room to judge anyone…well 99 percent of all people anyways…haha I often joke…atleast I’m not that…or atleast I haven’t done that…but the opportunities to humour myself are running shorter and shorter.
I live across the river from you in Ontario and am a 51 year old woman…not a predator…haha I just really wanted to let you know that I read your post…it affected me…and I would like to offer to be here to talk and listen if you would like. I am very sorry that you are hurting so badly…and grieving. But I’m glad you were brave enough to come here and talk. You are very courageous…I survived an abusive childhood and young adulthood as well. So I know what kind of balls that takes. Maybe that is why your post struck me sooo hard. Maybe we are both WARRIORS!!!
Here if you want to talk
Peace
Amakua
my mom’s been using me for about 5 years now too, putting me $30,000 in debt just to be able to pay for food and rent, etc. she did that to both my sisters when I was a kid, they worked as teenager to pay bills while she drank almost daily bringing home all sorts of strangers. I was abused by many guys and my dad was living across the country putting work and himself first. calling me every few months to say he loves me while I suffered tremendously. I started being suicidal at age 9, now im 31. The only way I started to value life was after I attended a Bible conference. I sat there with my arms crossed, scoffing under my breath at everyone in the church.. but then this feeling of incredible peace came over me. It wasn’t because of the people in the building, but it was the presence of God in and around me.. I broke into tears and had never felt so loved and valued before. I went on my knees in prayer and amazing things started to happen. I went from a notorious criminal and misanthrope, to a community worker and peacemaker, loving everyone around me including myself for the first time. I suddenly was getting invitations from around the world, speaking and singing in places like Japan, Korea, Germany, Mexico, Alaska.. went all over Europe and won 2 medals from the Queen of England.. the Golden Jubilee medal and 10 years later the Diamond Jubilee medal. All to recognize my hard work and efforts in community building and in empowering and helping others, and for creating new social development tools. Anyway.. I just want to say that your life can transform and become something so rich, so full and so beautiful. I became a celebrated person in society after being utterly worthless not only in my own view but in society’s view too. I’m on this site now because my feelings of self-harm DO come back still sometimes and I allow myself to wallow in self-pity and it gets deeper than it should.. but I’m world’s away from where I was back when I didn’t feel there was any hope. I saw and felt and experienced hope for myself when I never thought I would. I pray you feel that too.. and that you reach out to a church somewhere. Hey, if you’re desperate enough to go to the extreme of dying by your own hand…. why not be desperate enough to go to the “extreme” of reaching out to God and seeking Him. Churches are not perfect, they are JUST people, but it’s the actual PRESENCE of God that I felt inside and it filled the emptiness. God bless. Wish I could hug you and sit with you or cook you a nice meal in that apartment of yours. Know that you are greatly loved.