i have learned that i am very sadistic. hurting people brings me pleasure, and i really dont know why. i seems like im going down the same path of my fore fathers. it brings exseptional join when its people that are close to me. but still there are some people i dont not nor would not hurt. it only satisfies me for a very brief instant though, later i regret my decision. and i do sincerly feel bad. but still the cycle repeats, until i have no one left. and i really dont want to be this way but on some occasions it seems inevitable.
but even still i really do not want to be like my parents or the ones that came before them, but the harder i fight, the harder it gets to fight. i always reach the point where i give up and feel like i have no choice, and when i lash out there are catostrophic conciquences. i dont do the typical lash out and hurt people with my words ( i mean i do, but….) most of the time i get into physical fights. and people have been hospitalized and/or worse. its almost feels like there is a demon who possesses me during these moments. there are a few times i have blacked out and had no recolection of the previous occurances, and it used to worry me, but i dont physically fight anymore, i refuse to. but still i lash out and hurt people with words, which can be very dire on a suicide forum. and i know there is no excuse for it, but i really dont want people to judge me or be affect by me, in essence. i mean isnt this a place of understanding and acceptance? but really as i said there is no excuse for it. i just need to get my shit in order, (which is proving difficult because there is a wide range of issues i need to straighten out) i used to be so in control of myself and then the depression hit, and now well, my control is very lacking.
i dont really know why im posting this, i guess because i need to rant, but there are blogs for that lol. maybe i should join twitter, it would be easier.
any way thank you for your time- shatteredglass.