Seizure City

How do you really tell someone you’re in pain without it bothering them? Without making them feel useless for not being to help you?  Normal activities will only take you so far. Should I return to pointlessly opening my flesh? How many OD’s til I get it right? When will this spit stay in my mouth? When will my body stop aborting itself? I don’t want to kick and thrash anymore. I don’t want to freeze in one state for minutes on end. I want my old life back. When I was a humorous person to be around, when I would laugh at myself even. When I used to actually care what bill arrived at my house. How many months have I wasted? And how many have you taken from me? Better yet, how many years have you taken from me? Am I not letting my Psychologist dig deep enough?

Do I not eat when you aren’t around because I’m afraid that I’m going to choke? When the colors fade in my eyes, what do these shapes mean? How come there is no other cure for this?  Is this going to be the final nail in my coffin? What happened to my Dad after his death? Can I get back to that point?  Why did I go through all the surgeries that I did? How do you tell them that you’re pretty much dead inside now? How?  I can’t fake it anymore. How fake can I be to get by? I’ve got all the help I can possibly get. Why don’t these pills work anymore? Why do I leave your office in a good mood for only about 20 minutes? What options are there anymore? Why did you raise me Mom if you neglected me the whole time?

Did I create this hell? I wouldn’t wish this on anyone so why would I create for myself? Why have you condemned me? Did I offend you when I was only 4 years old? How do you tell someone about these questions that go on in your mind every single day? How do you explain this without them thinking that you’re crazy?  Maybe I am fuckin crazy or maybe I’m the only sane one here. If there is someone that has the power to do this, please get me out of Seizure City.