Here I stand, in front of the mirror once more. The disgusting creature standing before me is not me, not the me I ever wanted for myself. Unmotivated to even live my life anymore I see the imperfections of the body, the lies behind my eyes. I am not the type one would imagine to have such thoughts, I am the cheerful one, the intelligent one, the kind hearted soul. Even as I smile at myself I see the lie, the deceit behind the sweet gesture. I want so much to be saved by my lover, the man I have given everything to, but only solitude awaits me. I say nothing to indicate my troubles, so he does not know, all because it is so easy to hide behind a text. The lies are easier when I am not near him, I know he would care, I know he would help me through this, but if I let him help me I will only fall for him even more. I won’t let myself love him, not openly, he is not mine, nor will he ever be. He is in love with his freedom and I would never ask him to give up something so important for my sake. I can not lean on him for forever, he is not mine. I can not let him help me, even though these thoughts are starting to make a dangerously logical conclusion with my life ending as the final result. There is simply not a future for someone like me, someone who’s only talent is to make people smile. Such a worthless talent, such a waste of life for something so unimportant. I will continue to make others smile, its just my nature, but I am corroding away. I myself will continue to cry alone in this dark room, with only my reflection to accompany me into the depressions of my mind.  I do not want to live here anymore, I just want to fade away, to simply disappear. I do not want anyone to cry for me, I do not want them to dwell on my death, but I also do not want them to forget. I want them to remember so that perhaps, in some small way, there is proof I once existed. That is my selfish wish.
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2 comments
your final thoughts about not wanting them to dwell on your death, but also not wanting them to forget… it’s the same way i feel. it really drains the energy out of you trying to keep going, just for the sake of living, like living is going all that well right now.
do you think that maybe the man you mentioned would actually want to be there for you to lean on? obviously you have some sort of connection between the two of you, and being there for someone can be quite fulfilling. maybe instead of waiting and hoping for him to be there to save you, you should try to step up and be there to save him, because despite what people say, more often than not, everyone needs someone to save them.
and as far as your “only” talent (which i am sure is an over-exaggeration) of making others smile… that is one of the most precious and rare qualities to have. it’s hard to express it though when everything on the inside is so broken down.
and for the record, text messaging is imo one of the brilliantly terrible ways we are destroying ourselves. but that is just my opinion.
ok Disheartened, just to give you some facts, the mirror makes one appear 4 times prettier than in real life. Now, for instance, take anyone in the room. Anyone. Look at them. You probably only see their good features, such as the bright smile, or smooth skin, or perfect almond shaped eyes. You don’t see the mole behind their neck, the slight crease when the frown, or the small bulge from their stomach. That is how others view you. Amazingly, I managed to have a crush on a guy that everyone else in the school called ugly. Love doesn’t matter on appearance, it is about personality. I liked his talkitiveness, the way he could get anyone to smile, just like you. Remember, in the world, there is at least one person dying to meet you. Just find that person.