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These walls were built around me.

by OddOneOut

Depression…It can come to anyone but that doesn’t mean it comes to everyone. It doesn’t just HAPPEN like that either. If you’re depressed, there’s a reason to it and it’s not something silly or stupid, it’s actually quite serious.
Right?
So that means all the people telling me that I’m looking for attention are wrong, and that something has happened within my lifespan to cause depression in my life. I’m not being an a**hole, attention-seeking or anything. I’m actually depressed.
But then there’s no cure to this. No-one to talk to around me, those whom I CAN talk to are far away, nad many people don’t even know that I am depressed because I’m always having this fake smile & happiness thing going on. I’m the one who’s always joking around, always smiling and laughing – sort of the class clown. So of course, who expects to see a sad clown??
These inabilities to talk to people – these walls – they were created by…everyone. Everyone in my life, including myself. Or maybe, the world gave me a way to go, and that way was to build the walls.
To those people who haven’t experienced it, having no-one to talk to sounds like such a petty little thing, while in fact it’s the centerpiece in depression for many people.

I can’t even talk to my parents about it. I’ve been thinking about taking pills and other medication, but to tell my parents right now that I’m depressed and that I need help…They wouldn’t know what to do. I wouldn’t.
It will be like “What the hell are you talking about?”. My mom would probably laugh at me (because she’s a ***** like that) and my dad would be a little more than surprised, even shocked. My sister would condescend and be all “I know what you’re going through.”, when the biggest personal problem outside of school she had was having nothing to wear for her parties and how to sneak out without getting caught. Her boyfriends here mostly good people so she didn’t suffer to much there.

No-one to talk to, nobody cares.
No-one wants to hear my story, so why am I bothering them?
I’m sorry that I posted. You probably don’t want to hear this, but even a clown sheds tears from time to time.

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4 comments

Rain Alicia 12/30/2012 - 7:13 am

Wrong…You dont always have to have a REASON to be depressed. People who dont understand depression are in serious denial.
Hmm having no one to talk to is usually all that I post about..i understand how difficult that could be
Someone DOES care…and i’m not the only one who’s going to read this just like youre not the only one going through what youre going through :] keep your head on. Youre doing great.

OddOneOut 12/30/2012 - 7:31 am

Sorry. I was just defending myself because so many people are saying that I’m looking for attention and that I have no reason to be depressed…

oracle 12/30/2012 - 2:55 pm

Hi,

When dealing with the depression, it is very important that you correctly chose your people to talk about it. You have to think that many of them don’t have the intellectual capability to understand what you are talking about, others don’t know how to react to it because they are immature, etc, etc, so this means that you have to completely ignore any comment that comes from the wrong persons.

Here there are lots of intelligent and sensitive people (there are some evils too, but most of them are fine) and definitively it is a right place to talk, again if you find a good partner for it.

There are tons of thick volumes written on depression, so we cannot start digging into classifications, but one of the most elemental ways to make out is whether there is an objective cause for it, (say, the lost of a loved one, an illness etc) or it is subejctive, or it is due to organic or biochemical problems etc etc.

My risky guess is that you just have the blues, basically, because it is easy to tell when someone is in a panic state or s/he just has the blues.

So, in your family you have to know how to address the subject. If you mention it to your sister while she is trying on her new wonderbra, chances are that she won’t stop in the middle of it and say “oh my god”. Therefore, you would feel dumped and down.

You cannot either stand up at the dining table and pronounce “I am depressed” as if you were saying “From today I am gay”.

You have to choose the right moment for it and help your listener to understand. It would go like this:

Dad, can I talk to you?

Of course honey, what is it?

Look, it is been months and for some reason, I am experiencing extreme sadness, lack of interest at things, I dont seem to enjoy what I used to, and I am having weird negative thoughts.
I would ask you that you don’t take it alight and that you help me through with whatever experience you have with it.

If he is a good father, and it sounds he is, he will definitively is going to be there for you.

hugs

O

OddOneOut 12/31/2012 - 4:59 am

Thanks Oracle. It does help to see this whole thing broken down and explained.
But, as you correctly said, it was a risky guess. It’s been several years (3~4) and I’ve moved to a new school recently (again). I guess it’s my breaking point here after years of silence.

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