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Just called a suicide hotline.. they guy i talked to .. he just kept saying uh well you need to look at it from a better point of view.

I lost my 2nd oldest brother cause my oldest brother raped me! and you exspect me to look on the bright side. I look at his facebook everyday, hoping to get to know him. I DONT EVEN KNOW MY OWN BROTHER. And i hate it.. i hate it so badly. I only found out last week he’s graduated highschool.. i never knew.. i didnt know..

I miss him so badly, we would stay up reading the hungry catapillar, playings sims, grandtheft auto.
One time we were playing base ball on the wii and he hit me in the back of the head. We were laughing so hard. We watch movies about tornados and would laugh when the houses were torn apart.. i was so young.. i didnt relise.. i should have been more… i should have paid more attention.. i miss him so much..
I wanna die.. i wanna die! I WANNA FUCKING DIE! I hate this .. i hate this fucking life.. whats so damn great about it. I HAVE NOTHING left i wanna live for.. my faimaly abandoned me… when i needed them.. i was called a filty liar… diserted.. and i was the one who was raped.
My step mom and dad… are the only ones who stayed by my side
and imagin this while court they “accidently” showed me my dads statement..
” i dont beileve her.. but ill never tell her that”
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU SAY WHEN YOUR OWN FATHER DOESNT BELIEVE YOU!
the one who pushed you to go to court to protect other people, what do you say..
Its getting worse i tell everyone im getting better, they think i am.. but really im just wearing short sleeves with cuts on my shoulder. on my stomach.. on my hips. Where no one can see them.
Where i can shred the skin like paper.. and no one will ever know.
Im sorry my mind is running, im trying to keep calm. But theirs a knife under my matress urging me.. or should i use the scapel.. hidden in my closet.. my the razors.. in my dressor.. or the box cutter in the picture frame..
I want to see the blood draining from my body.. all this hatred.. and sadness.. weakness… to just go away.. to escape me.. i wanna be free if only for a little bit..
I try to supress the urges .. honestly i do.. i keep saying one more minute…
ive been fighting since 11pm.. its 5:11am right now.. and i wanna die..
I found some gas online.. it kills you instantly 289 dollars for a can.. i just need money..
what would happen if i stole my parents credit card.. bought it got it shipped here.
I honestly think i’d do it..
last year on new years i attempted suicide..
i drank rubbing achohal
my cousin found me in the bathroom ..
she called 911 and my dad arrived just as the ambulance pulled up..
I was screamming

I wanted to die.. why ..
why were they making me live
i never even wanted to be born!
i never.. wanted.. to.. be born..
so why.. were .. they had.. noo.. right..
to force me to live in this hell..

You know whats funny they say things will get better.. i found out i was going to court in january 6 , 2011 went to court october 2, 2011 it should have gotten better after court right?

..
..
no.
they lied.
They all lied
it got worse
the ptsd came back with revenge..
for me pushing it away so deep down inside of me..
i forgotten pieces of that night..
and the best they got to offer is meds and a “promise it will get better”
My razors have done far better they any med or promise has ever done for me.

Now i keep whispering one more minute..
one more minute..
one more minute..
one more second..

Soon i know.. time will be up..

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3 comments

blindaudio 12/29/2012 - 11:26 am

I’m not going to tell you that you need to look at things a different way because even as a guy, I, like you, was abused. And it sucks. I understand (I think) how you feel, and the feeling is awfull.

If you ever want to talk or anything, just send me an email.

It’s brl.cents@gmail.com

oracle 12/29/2012 - 5:48 pm

Hello,

what about taking me on a hire for a friend until you feel better? I ll be happy to chat with you and listen to you. So, for a start try to replace me instead of using knives and all that crap. I am on the border with Russia, so if you are in the US, there will be a time difference for replies.

I once had a friend who was being raped by her own mother for years while she was 8, 9 etc and she did go through the same stuff of piercing, depression etc. I met her in real life and followed all her ups and downs for the time. Now she is over that, she has a nice boyfriend. She is 153 cms tall and her boyfriend is 2 meters 5 cms.

I am confused about the brothers you mentioned. What brother are you missing? how is that family made up?

hugs

BrooklynBoxx 12/29/2012 - 8:30 pm

I want to see my second oldest brother.. the one who graduated.. not the one who raped me..

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