why do i live if im cursed..

I feel like everything is pointless.. everything. What’s the point in it..
Especially if nothing good seems to last because I have trouble being happy and staying happy since I’m bi polar with schizoeffective disorder.. I don’t have many friends nor do I always want one.. the more relationships I have the crazier I feel. I’m afraid of being hurt..
I’m afraid of people, I’m afraid of myself..
I always try.I try so hard.. inside I’m a good person. Just scared :/
Abandonment issues.. ocd, severe anxiety, pcos, depression.. what’s the point if ill have to always have these curses that limit my happiness. Insomnia, night terrors..
Got addicted to sleeping pills so I don’t take the anymore especially since mirtazapine caused a huge schizophrenic breakdown it took 8 months for me to recover from and I still get delusional and paranoid..
Don’t touch meds anymore. Went through a lot. They terrify me now.
Feel so dead inside
Still you see some light in my eyes..
Just when I think I’m too dead for tears.. I begin to cry
Sometimes I cry too much..
Someday I think I can’t cry anymore.
Used to write poetry everyday.. now writers block keps my stuff from coming out and releasing onto paper..
I’m tired. Sleep deprived. Angry. Depressed. Anxious. Lonely but I crave solitude. Insecure and self conscious..
I’m too different to feel comfortable in my own skin 🙁
Feels like life is an illusion..
I always cry I want to go home.. but I am home. I feel like I belong nowhere.. I began driftng trying to find happiness.. realized I’m running from stress that’s everywhere in life.. I’m overwhelmed all the time..
Where do I belong I wonder.. when will things get better.. why do I have to be born this way.
I know I’m drowning in self pity. But nobody understands.. don’t be so quick to put me down for it. I’m tired of critisizm from everyone..nobody understands what its like to be in my shoes and have gone through everything I’ve been through.. I’m hopeless right now. Why am I here what purpose do I have.. maybe its true ignorance is bliss. Wish I didn’t think so much about things people don’t normally think about because that makes everything worse. Curiosity will kill the cat sooner or later :/
Just wanna live..