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You know those gifts you “accidently” want to break?

by Agony

I should be happy with the camera my parents gave me but I’m not. Not at all and that makes me feel really bad. I’m an awful brat who doesn’t want presents. I am happier with the 2 books they gave me. That would have been enough, I would have been fine with a hug or a cup of tea too.
They have asked me several times if I wanted a new camera and I always said no. They still gave me one. A Nikon, if they would ever listen to me than they should know I hate Nikon. Now I’m jealous of every one with a Canon. I can’t do anything with this camera. The old one is better, that’s bad. Do I want my parents to know about this or not? Probably not, I don’t want to hurt them. They think they made me happy with it, I don’t want to ruin it for them.
I should be happy and thankfull. Does this gift mean they try and care or that they just don’t know me at all?
I knew they don’t know me already.

I’m crying now, I’ve been feeling bad the last few days. Actually I never feel good but the last days were really bad. Aging doesn’t help. It makes everything worse.
And I know no one is reading this anymore. Why even bother?

Dying sounds better every day.
I started cutting again and I don’t care about it. It was probably a few years ago and I thought “Why cut if no one cares?” knowing it is not an attention seeking thing. I guess it was for me when I was 14 but I still hid it. No, I didn’t even have to my parents didn’t saw it anyway. 20 now. Yuck.

So yesterday, well. 2 days ago now was my birthday. The list of congratulations get smaller every year. Only confirms no one cares. Ironic how strangers do message me to say happy birthday.
Haven’t heart anything from my “best friend”. That one person I’m always there for. She cares less about me than my parents and that is almost impossible. I was sick on my birthday but no one believed me and they laughed about it. My mom did call my family to call me sick. Some still came. I cried thay whole morning in my room.
It was a pathetic birthday but my favourite of all.

Science shows that people with the most birthdays live longer. I know people with the least birthdays are the happiest.

Are you still reading this?

People think I’m happy but I can’t even fake a smile.

Yes, I feel guilty. For the camera.


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Sinine 12/4/2012 - 11:33 am

Go up to your parents, give them a hug and propose a picnic or a day outside with you guys all together. Make plans, stick to them. If you want, visit Finland or Australia together. Do something together, show them that all you need and want is love. Make memories.

Cutting is a coping mechanism. There are other ways, much better ways, believe me. 🙂

And even if no one loves you anymore, we love you here. We will listen to your stories and your thoughts. We’ll always try to help and advise, because we care. 🙂

Advice about birthdays though; birthdays are one day in a year. If you want people to see you as something special, don’t just remember them on that one day in the year. Call them and make small gifts other times as well. Days that have no significant meaning. Being nice to people helps them and it also makes you feel great, as cliche as it fucking sounds. Even being there and listening to them helps.

Agony 12/4/2012 - 11:39 am

Thank you !

Sinine 12/4/2012 - 11:41 am

You’re welcome, agony 🙂 I love helping people.

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