At least I’m stuck in a more productive place?

It would be nice if, for once, leaving your house didn’t mean potentially ending up in that school parking lot by myself at 3 in the morning.

I’m driving, and I can feel it coming on. I knew it was going to happen as soon as you touched me and my thoughts immediately replaced your hands with his. I held it off the whole evening so I could enjoy my time with you but as soon as I’m alone again, I am truly alone. The wheel become harder to control as my hands start shaking and my breathing gets ragged. My head becomes lighter and fills with an intense pain… I signal to turn into the parking lot, my vision clouds with tears as I put the car in park. I remember his hands on me, I remember his hands in me. No matter how loud I scream in my car to protest these thoughts, to stop the hands, there’s not a person in the world that can hear me. I say “no, please” over and over again until my throat constricts and it becomes barely a whisper to go along with my silent tears. Nobody can see me shake with fear. Nothing can stop those hands.

These moments make me feel pathetic, like I’m regressing back to some infantile age where I can’t express and suppress my emotions properly. It’s the only time I lose control. I don’t know why this still has so much power over my life. I hate that I let it have power over me. It was never a problem until I stopped ignoring it and tried to deal with it. And now I have this situation on the highway instead of the situation I used to have at home. Sure cutting was bloody, but it was a whole lot less painful than thinking about those hands. I’m thankful he doesn’t know about both.

It’s bad enough without dragging someone else through it as well.. The last thing I want to do is expose someone I love to the pain that I feel in my heart. He didn’t sign up for this, but now it’s too late because he loves me. He wants to help me, but he can’t because I don’t even know where to begin. And now he’s stuck with some damaged girl, it’s not fair to him at all. I’m too selfish to leave him for now, he’s opened my eyes in so many places that it’s hard to imagine where I would be without him even after such a short time of us being together. It feels like he’s my forever man, and not just because I’m clinging onto something that makes me happy. I’ve learned to separate those things now.

I know I need help, but the problem is getting it. I get stuck at the first step. I don’t even know what the first step is. I really just want some medication so I can have more control over my anxiety. I’m scared that if I go for help, they’re not going to let me get away with just that. They’re going to make me talk before they give me anything. Or maybe they won’t give me anything at all. That’s my fear.