dead inside

Was anyone else HOPING the world would end in Dec? I guess disappointment abounds. I’ve been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts for over twenty years now without ever seeking professional help. I try to shun the outside world as much as possible because I thought that it would be easier than the loss and pain that come from relationships with people, but I’m not sure that lonliness is something that’s any easier to live with. I think about killing myself every day, but it’s been 13 years since my second failed attempt. Part of me still wants to believe that there’s a reason I’m still here, but I can’t seem to no matter how much I might want to. Most people just don’t get how you can lose hope. They can’t understand the darkness gnawing at my soul. I recently joined facebook and just staring at that page makes me depressed. All these people from my past sending me friend requests and I just stare at them and wonder; What the hell do I even have to say to these people? “Hi. My life sucks the high hard one, but it sure make me feel GREAT that you’re all doing so well. I want to scream “FUCK YOU LUCKY BASTARDS!” I want to be angry that the only peron in my life who ever made me feel whole just got married and is incrediby happy. But I can’t. Truthfully, I’m glad for them, but it makes me feel even more like an outsider. I see the world around me and the people taking part in it, but I just sit by and wait for it all to end. To be honest, after dealing with these feelings for this long, I’m no longer sure if I’ll ever actually kill myself or not, but at times like now I sure as hell hell still feel like just getting it over with. At least I would be doing SOMETHING other than just waiting to die. Just remembering what It felt like to feel loved is like tortue because I no longer believe I’ll ever feel that again. It’s been seven years since I’ve even touched a woman, and let me tell you that as strange as it sounds, I don’t even miss having sex. (Okay, well, it’s not what I miss most anyway) I miss those moments when it seemed like love could fix my broken soul. Moments that I actually felt content. Unfortunately, all things must end eventually and I’m good at making damn sure of that. I’m really good at pushing people away. Anyone that gets too close to me gets a taste of my abandonment issues, so the only person I can really blame for being alone is myself. I think it’s just me torturing myself. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. I honestly wish that noone else in the world felt this way. I wish that everyone could be one of the shiney happy people, but I’m sure that are too many people out there that feel feel this emptiness. Some of you probably feel as dead inside as I do, and my heart goes out to you if you do. I hope you have better luck fighting your demons than I have.