Do tranquilizers and antidepressants combat constant bad luck occurrences?
As everyone knows that have read my past posts, I have been very depressed and taking antidepressants for quite a few years.Â For me, suicide has been a security blanket for countless years and has provided somewhat a comfort from some past crappy occurrences that appears to me, to be extremely bad luck. Of course there may be some happenstances that are a result of my poor choices, but I will not admit to that now at this moment. For now it is the cruel cosmos that is to blame for all my unhappiness.
Undesirable things just seem to happen to me and my emotions and mood are driven as result of the last occurrence of bad luck.Â Just when I think that things are picking up for me and my mood is lifting out of the dumps, something bad happens that ties my stomach up in knots. (And I have a large stomach.Â Â Food has become my best friend.) It seems to be a constant barrage of negative things. Some good things do happen, but they are far outweighed by the bad. I would just love to have only one month where I was very happy all the time and nothing shitty happened to drag me down.
Because I seem to be down most of the time, and have no peer support other than this web-site, and my so called friends have dried up like water in the dessert, I have plenty of time to plan a perfect suicide that will not be â€œmessyâ€ and will not hurt for even a millisecond. I just want to take a dirt Nap, but I want to do it when I am in a good mood and not crying, and with a clear head.Â In my opinion nothing would be worse than ending it all while I was emotional.Â I have read a lot of books on suicideÂ (Final Exit is the best in my opinion) and they have opened my eyes as far as what are both good and bad or unreliable ways to go.Â A bullet to the brain is a bad way to go!!! I definitely will not be going that route.
It is vaguely possible that if I had a woman living with me to bounce my thoughts off, bad things would not seem so GD bad.Â It is absolutely intolerable trying to handle the feces of life alone. It has been years since I have had a really good laugh and I canâ€™t remember the last time that I LOL. I really miss laughing with friends or even by myself…in a pinch. Nothing seems funny any more.
Pills work to keep me stable when there have been no recent moments of â€œbad luck;â€ they help with the minutia of my existence but do not work to smooth out the sudden occurrences that pester my life.
As an example; last month I was driving my 1998 car along at 25 mph in a line of slow moving traffic when the person in front of me slammed on his brakes. I just tapped his back bumper but did not leave a mark on his van.Â My car only sustained a broken headlight and popped two clips holding my grill on…no big thing. I only had to replace the headlight and put the grill back on the mounting clips. The woman passenger of the person I tapped decided to call the cops…just in case!Â I should point out that my car had failed the State Emission Inspection because some â€œflagâ€ had not been set in the computer and had expired. But no problem, I just put my grill on the windshield so the cop could not see the expired sticker.Â It worked and he did not see the sticker.Â WOW, some good luck for a change right in the middle of some bad luck. The broken headlight did not bother me in the least and I was not bummed out.Â The cop sat in his cruiser for about 20 minutes leisurely filling out the accident report…so I thought!! When he got out of his car he handed me a ticket for careless driving.Â That bastard!!!Â That ticket cost me $189. NOW I was dragged down and felt like I was back on the bottom of the shit heap again.Â My pills did not help in the slightest at this time; I was depressed as hell.
BUT, IT GETS WORSE!!!Â The headlight cost me $164, tax included.Â But it got even worseorer; Â While I was replacing my headlight, I found that when my grill came off, it broke a valve on my air-conditioning system and allowed all my Freon to drain out. They wanted $1000 to repair it. I could not afford that!Â Plus I had run out of Xanax to lessen the anxiety.Â My life really sucks.
Short of taking some prescription drugs that would put me in la-la land 24 hours a day and spending all that time in bed, I cannot foresee any relief in sight. Pills only stop me from having long crying jags but do not help with the reactionaryÂ emotions of â€œBad-Luck;â€…caused by the universe that hates me!!! Boo-Hoo.
Sorry I get so long winded in these posts, but it is therapeutic for me.