when subjected to huge amounts of pain, nerves go numb, bodies go into shock and consciousness shuts down. Mental pain, on the other hand, never lets up. It piles on thicker, higher, heavier each day and there is no relief. Screw fire & brimstone. If I were to design hell for the worst criminals and worthless souls to be or tired with unspeakable agony, it would be exactly my life. Which begs the question: what did I ever do to deserve this?
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Look, I’m a stupid worthless person, as is often said or suggested, but I’d like you to feel better somehow. Can you say exactly what is going on, what has happened? Maybe just saying it might make you feel a little better. I doubt anything I’d say can help anyone, and no one listens to me anyway, but I can listen. What’s going on?
Thanks for listening shinjim. I don’t know if I could ever explain everything that’s gone wrong in my life, but basically I had it all and now I’ve lost it all. A few years ago my most loved one died and that set off a chain reaction to this point where I have no home, no job, no point in living, and legal problems are piling up. Each day I wake up reminded of how rotten my life is, and how great it once was. I can’t raise the dead so I’m pretty sure there’s no way out of this hell except joining the dead.
i wouldnt know how to help you but i lost my loved one not too long ago either and im going down fast…
It’s horrible isnt it… and while you’re grieving the world keeps rolling over you. I hope you can break out of the cycle somehow. I think a part of me wants to self destruct so I let my world collapse. I don’t see the point in fighting it
im exactly the same way as you… i dont think i want a way out, i just want to end it. also many reasons, he just triggered it. and funny enough all seems to point that one direction, like i was here to die somehow but not naturally
and yes it is horrible :/
“also many reasons, he just triggered it”
Funny you said that… me too. I always thought about suicide even before this happened. This was just a trigger. Or maybe we can look at it this way… we knew suicide would happen all along, but that one special person kept it from happening. Now that they’re gone, there’s nothing stopping us from self destructing.
The problem is that death is permanent, and you don’t know what you’re jumping into. You can’t be sure you’ll just go into eternal unconsciousness or nothingness where you don’t have to deal with anything anymore. If I were sure, I’d have killed myself long ago.
Here’s my stupid example. Life is a baseball game. In the early innings, you scored a lot of runs, you were ahead, you were winning. Now, it seems in the middle of the game you’ve fallen behind, the other team is scoring on you. Get those runs back! Win the game! Don’t just throw down the bat and glove and leave the field! If you specifically look at each problem individually you can come up with a battle plan on how to fight and defeat the problem. Legal problems? What are they? Talk to Legal Aid, call a professor at a law school, call your State Bar Association and ask for advice on who to go to.
I’m 40 years old now, a little more actually. All my life, I’ve been ugly and rejected, bullied and abused. I’ve never been beautiful, never attractive, always unwanted. All I long for now is death to end my suffering, the eternal suffering my life has been from the beginning. I am someone that everyone hates, when people look at me they snear and laugh, make fun of me behind and in front of my back. People think nothing of me, and I have been pounded down into nothing. But somehow I am still here! You have had happy times, how I wish I knew what that was like!
When you’re lost in the woods, when you realize you’re lost, you have to look back to where you got lost, to retrace your steps. You can do this! I know it seems hard, and that it’ll hurt like hell, but doesn’t it hurt already? With me, if every stupid mistake, misstep, error, bad choice I made was a grain of sand the beach would cover from Southern California to Washington state! But somehow I go on! Walk in the woods to relax, at least you won’t see the life and things that cause you pain, and it might bring you some peace (works for me, at least partially). Believe that you can do this!
Hey shinjim, thanks, those are some powerful words especially coming from someone who’s suicidal… I’m taking it to heart. There have been times I’ve found the strength to recover from life’s hard knocks. Like you said about yourself, I’m still here so that’s something. Unfortunately the death of a loved one (the only one I’ve ever truly loved) is something that can never be undone, fixed or forgotten. If my problems were limited to the “fixable” stuff like money, job, legal crap, no friends, then there would still be hope. But she is gone forever. She has ceased to exist. I don’t believe in a happy heaven where she’s waiting for me. I can only believe the tangible reality of a dead body.
In the short term I might be able to overcome my smaller problems. Like your baseball analogy, even though I’m 100 runs behind, it’s still possible to pull off an amazing victory. But after her death I don’t see the point in winning any games.
I do know how you feel when you say you’re ugly, rejected, abused & bullied. Just yesterday I was on the phone with someone who didn’t realize it was me talking, and she started talking about how ugly I am. Ouch that really hurt. But as bad as it felt I know that I can change that by working out, fixing my health, who knows… maybe plastic surgery. The game’s not over until someone dies. Unfortunately in my case someone did.
Cyanide do you know any website that discuses suicide methods and pacts
I’m sorry to say this, I hope you won’t take this as offensive or too idiotic, but I do have to disagree with some things you say. Sorry, here goes.
Death is not the end. When someone leaves on a trip, and we may never see them again, we say goodbye and we are sorry to see them go, but someone somewhere else is happy to see them arrive. Their goodbye to us is hello somewhere else.
I know you don’t believe this, that you think your friend doesn’t exist, but belief doesn’t change reality. Even if we don’t believe one plus one equals two, it still does. No matter how much we may believe we are the Emperor of China, we still aren’t. The part of your friend that most truly IS your friend is still alive. Your friend’s body died, but your friend didn’t. If someone has their legs amputated, they have lost a very important part of themselves, but they still exist. Death is not the end, it is a beginning somewhere else. You will meet your friend again, you are tied together by love. Why not live on in such a way that it is a wonderful meeting, and you will be together forever happily? If you quit before your time, you don’t know that you will see your friend again, when or even if. Live on in their memory, live in the way that would make your friend happy, be the person that would make them proud to know you.
Okay, you can no longer see your friend as you once did, they are no longer around as they were before. Yes, this is painful, it is a tragedy for you. It is hard to endure. I have an absolutely beloved friend, a friend who’s my other half, who I love more deeply than he’d ever want to know (he’s not the emotional type). All I can say about our relationship is that it is love. He is many states away, thousands of miles distant, and I can’t talk to him that often either or see him that much. But he still exists, and the love I have for him is no different. He is still alive in my heart and mind, and he lives in me, even though for all I can see him physically or talk to him he could be considered as dead. But I see him and speak to him every day, because he is always in my mind and heart (and if he knew I was writing this about him he really would be ill). Even if he did physically die, all the time we have spent together still exists in reality. Just because a moment of time passes us by doesn’t mean it no longer exists. Think of life as a movie: just because a scene has past doesn’t mean it’s gone out of existence. It is still there on the film, and we can enjoy its presence again in the theater of our mind. We can live in hope.
Life does go on, even when it seems to us to be no more. Live on for your friend, who (at least according to many reliable near death experiences of people who come back from verifiable physical death knowing things it is impossible for them to know) very probably sees you. Does your pain make her happy? Doesn’t she wish the best for you? Live out the best you can, if not for yourself then for her (one major reason I’m still alive is the effect it might have on my beloved friend, the one light in the dark night of my life). Make your life a monument to your friendship.
Now you may ask if I feel this way, if I believe all this, then why am I suicidal at all? Why don’t I take my own advice? For me, it’s a matter of strength. I’m tired, and it’s a queestion of if someday I’ll just be too tired to keep my eyes open, if I’ll just fall asleep no matter how much I know I should stay awake. It’s like hanging from a bridge, knowing you shouldn’t let go but not having the strength to hold on. I know I’m a hypocrite for saying what I have, and feeling the way I do, but I hope it doesn’t keep you from listening to and considering what I have said.
As I said before, sorry.
Hi peacemaker, no I don’t know any sites like that. There used to be a newsgroup that published a methods “handbook”. You can find it by googling “alt.suicide.holiday methods” but I don’t know of any discussion or pact sites.
Hi shinjim, your post isn’t offensive at all. I admit everything you said is possible. But I just can’t bring myself to believe it. The afterlife is like a sealed box that no one can see into. Some people think there’s something inside it while others think it’s empty. It could go either way, but without any solid facts we can only go by our intuition. I was born (cursed) with the inability to believe in things I can’t logically accept. So even though there are testimonies of an afterlife (near death experiences, visions, etc), I can’t believe it because I see consciousness as a bunch of brain cells sending impulses to each other, and when they die & rot, there are no more impulses being sent.
Oddly enough, I do believe in a “god” or superior being(s ), because it makes logical sense that there would be other, smarter lifeforms out there possibly watching us the same way we watch a bacterial culture. But in matters of life & death, I can’t believe in anything beyond biological facts…
Going on your amputation analogy… what about a person who has half their brain removed and is in a catatonic trance? What happened to their mind? Did it go to an afterlife? It couldn’t, because half of it is still alive. I would say the consciousness or “soul” is still in the person’s body but drastically cut down. Now what if we keep removing parts of the brain each day. At what point does the soul go to an afterlife if the body is kept alive? And if it does go to an afterlife, does it get its full mind back?
I guess our answers depend on how we define a soul. I think it is the same as our consciousness. If you “amputate” half a brain, the soul will remain with the living half, and it’ll be half as much. If you keep chopping bits off, the consciousness gets smaller and smaller until the very last living brain cell. And when that cell dies there is no more consciousness, no soul. What I’m saying is that death is like severe brain damage that you never recover from. Whether it not that’s true, it makes sense from everything we’ve learmed about biology and medicine.
You don’t know how much I wish someone would make a discovery to the contrary. I’d love to believe I will be reunited with her again. But I don’t see how that can happen.
I have a weird theory that we each make tge rules for our own universe. If you absolutely believe in an afterlife, then it will happen. But if, like me, you only believe in nonexistence after death, that’s exactly what you get. Ironically, that’s what I want. As much as I want to be with her again, I think nonexistence is the most peaceful thing for both of us, and I can’t wait to find my own.