About three years ago is when I first felt unhappy. I was in high school, had a girlfriend, was president of the film club, but I wasn’t happy. I just felt like there had to be more to life and that going away to college the next year would really open my eyes to the wonder and power off the “real world.” So I moved as far away from home as I could, to Colorado. At college I got into the drug scene really quick, I managed to stay away from most of the hard stuff but a lot of my new found and still young friends got pretty messed up. Eventually I got arrested… Twice. My parents who were paying for my little adventure pulled me back home. I was instructed to spend the next year at community college, working to pay off the massive legal debt I had accumulated as my one year as an adult. At this point I had broken up with my only long term relationship because of fear and stress, ending with a slow, sucking, messy break up. I started a minimum wage job at a pet store where I spend up to six hours a day alone in a room with dogs, I cant talk to anyone, and I drive myself crazy with my own thoughts in that god damn room, but it pays the bills. I live at home and my life had seemed to become more and more depressing by the day, so I got some weed from a guy I work with to try and escape from my life, then I got caught again, this time by Illinois police, a stricter sort of police. I was charged with DUI, license suspended, and more legal bills began to pile up. My parents old me two things “don’t fuck up again” and “life throws a lot of shit at you and you aren’t allowed to back down.” They said a lot of sportive things but that only means so much when you feel yourself in the spiral of depression. In these last 3 years I have had three therapists and four different antidepressant prescriptions, none of which have seemed to help. So I sit alone and I ask, is this it. is my life going to be a petty search for meaning followed by poor decision making and harsh consequences. Is my already tipped scale of pros and cons to life finally hitting its breaking point? I feel alone because Ive made myself alone, i’m venting on a website and not to people because they know i’ve cause my own problems. That doesnt mean they still dont hurt and make me suffer daily. I have grabbed onto alot of things that leave me feeling worthless and now i feel like all thats left that can make me happy is sleep, the release from everything. nothingess for maybe six hours a night. I dont know what to do, there are people who survive bomb blasts, soldiers with PTSD, children without food and here I am complaining that its all to much for me. Maybe im just weak willed. someone once told me that i’m existential in the way that I keep daring the universe to show me a reason to go on. Its like screaming in a room with no air. so today I say, I give… Ill read this back a few times and think it all over, but my words are true and my decisions are limited. Im scared, and i reach out to anyone who can offer me that one line of sage advice or humor that can get me moving again. but until then, I give…
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Hell, this is really pissing me off. I’ve spent the last minutes trying to come up with something to say.. something funny.. something that would just say “fuck it all. fuck the world, fuck the universe, fuck life!” But I can’t. I really wanted to say something that would make you smile, even if all you could see would be a glimpse of a smile. I’m really sorry I can’t. Gosh, I’m so exhausted, all I can think about is “opa gnagnam style” and pink elephants. Random and stupid. Like my comment. I’m really sorry I’m not succeding at my goal. I wanted to make you smile, I think you need to smile, even if just for a moment.
(I promise I’m not under any substance, just really exhausted, that’s why I’m not making any sense).
thanks for trying
Obligations.. They way our society works and the way that we are brought up, makes it seem like all we have is obligations.
Your parents told you “life throws a lot of shit at you and you aren’t allowed to back down.” – fuck, why can’t we back down? I’m backing down. Even if for a little bit, even if for a day, an hour, a minute, a split second. Sure, we all have responsabilities, but that shouldn’t keep us from seeing the light. The problem is that it sometimes does (that and a shitload of other stuff). I say we back down for a little while, do whatever you feel like doing, even if for an hour – whether it is go out, party, swim, walk, run, fight, scream or absolutely nothing. If we have obligations, then we should have rights too. So let’s do whatever it is we feel like doing. Let’s do it for us.
(hope this was a little bit better. and sorry for the swearing. I’m a little too upset with life atm, so that might be where it is coming from)
reliefe from depression doesnt feel like relief, it just seems like a long moment before the rollercoaster falls again. whats life doing to you atm?
I know it doesn’t, hell, I know it all too well. I’m just having my 15min of saying “fuck everything, I’ll do whatever I want”. But I also know those 15min are ending, and that my strenght to follow through what said is gone already. Thought it might give you some strenght tho.
Life sucks. Simply that. Everything is bad, everything is wrong. I’m exhausted from it all.
hey, at least theres a sunrise
My blinds are closed.
(I meant it in its most literal meaning, but I guess it makes sense figuratively as well).
Where I am the sun is out already, that’s why I said my blinds were closed.