This has been such a bullshit day. I have no idea why I woke up in such mental pain…could it be the recent separation, the two kids that are grown and on opposite ends of the globe, the fact that my life is just completely fucked….Or maybe its hormones. A drug reaction to the antibiotics i’ve been on. No, I just wanna die. I have to wait until my daughter is out of college and I know she is happy or settled or something, so that she will have her own life situated and can go right back into her own life, after my death party, which I hope will be a big dance party with my ashes mixed in with glitter and shit like that all over the dance floor. I want a DJ, and some fine catered food….and I want everybody to party because I finally am not in pain any longer. Emotional pain, mental pain, physical pain, daily life is fucked up pain, read people’s shit on Facebook and the comments were so stupid I wanna die kinda pain….you know what I mean. I hope to have an enjoyable time leading up to my death day. Getting a decent car tomorrow, maybe I will see some sights around the US, I laughed when they told me the car would have life insurance in case I drop dead. Thanks, guys, that’s exactly what I am planning to do as soon as possible. The only reason i don’t do it today is my kid is in school overseas and she would have to come home and would blame me the rest of her life that I ruined her trip. And really as much as I would like to die, I don’t WANT to ruin her trip. I just can’t stand being in so much pain…all the time. My first suicide attempt was at age 7. Then maybe at 10….when I had kids I promised myself not to be crazy so I did not try to kill myself and acted normal for the most part. Thank God that’s overwith. Â Now my youngest is 21 and I have done my duty. She graduates in May. After that and she is happily off in graduate school in a much less shit town than where I live, can I go ahead and die? I think this is worse than the pain of cancer….at least if I had cancer, someone would bring me a fucking casserole or something. And if I hear, “hang in there”, I am going to take it literal and do just that.
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Please don’t give up. Even when your children are grown up, they will still need you in their lives. When they have children, don’t you want to be around to see your grandchildren? I know that you’re in a lot of pain right now, but life can be painful.
It sounds like you have everything in the world, why throw that away? Can you be live I’m jealous of you. Kids, a car, a life. I have none of these. I have no one. I have been alone for many years. It seems every time I give my heart to someone they stomp on it with their foot. I would be happy to find someone, have kids, even if they broke up with me years later. I would remember the good times. And hey, I’ll bring you a cassarole. I know how to cook, sort of. Well, the point is I would kill for your life so please live it.
BradleyBlack, I am sorry you have been alone, and I hope you do find someone.
I am too tired to get into details, but I think there is much of my life you
would not want. I would gladly bring you a casserole. How old are you? Just
wondering?
You seem to care about your kids. Suicide won’t help them at all. You run the risk of depressing them. You also say you want to enjoy yourself. Well why aren’t you? Go do some of the stuff you want to and don’t worry about crap like stupid facebook posts. People are ignorant and are going to do stupid stuff. If that bothers you don’t contribute to it.
Thank you for your kind responses. I have a deep clinical depression that is so painful I usually want to die most of the time. I realize life is painful, I live it. Why am I not enjoying myself? Really? Facebook doesn’t bother me that much, just today I looked at all the comments about gun control and I thought, if this stupidity does not make me want to get a gun and end it….but that was just a brief moment of today’s lovely pain. My son has a serious chronic illness and will not be having children. My daughter says hell fucking no…they are both going to be living thousands of miles from me anyway…..ok, thank you again nice people.
Ok, I’m 14 and i will tell you gun control is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard of and I’ll stop there in an attempt not to rant. My sister has a moderate mental condition and always fights with my parents and I hate it so I get you there. I don’t know what to say about you daughter other than I’m sorry. Try not to worry about it though, you’ve made it this far.
freezinginfire, you sound like a really smart, cool 14 year old. So sorry about the problems with your sister and parents…what do you do to cope with this?
Cut, but I’m trying to stop, don’t it’s a bad habit. My sister fighting with my parents isn’t exactly the only thing going on with me right now. I am on this website for a reason, or I guess several. As for positive ways to cope I would recommend just staying occupied. For me that’s easy with highschool, but if you can find a hobby of some sort I think things like that help to take my mind off stuff. I also like to talk to people, it doesn’t even have to be about the stuff that bothers me. Just talking to friends or even the occasional random person makes me feel more wanted. Of course talking about my suickish life with people I trust helps too, but make sure it’s someone who isn’t going anywhere. I trusted a girlfriend and when we broke up I was really badly hurt because she was the only person who knew what was going on in my life and that was actually when I started cutting, which again don’t do. You mentioned your new car, if you like cars check out the 24 Hours of LeMons hosted by Car and Driver, it’s sort of a cheap civilian racing thing.