At the beggining of the semester I thought “this semester will be different, I will be able to focus, I will be able to pass the subjects.”
A few months later, and nothing changed. It’s still the same old shit. I haven’t found the strenght to change.
4/5 exams are done. 3 of which I didn’t pass (one of them I didn’t even finish the exam, left halfway through it). My last grade is out. But I am too afraid to go check it. I know I have failed it. But to see that I in fact did, will throw me down for sure. I know it will take away the last bit of strenght I have to go to my last one – another one I know I will fail too, since I don’t know shit, I can’t study, I can’t focus. I just stare at the notebook for hours – all I see is a bunch of numbers and letters, that together make something that I’m not interested in.
I can’t do this anymore.
Everything is just dark.
Everytime I go smoke a cigarette, I just feel this urge to jump down the window. Maybe I really should. I’m of no use here. I’m a disappointment, I’m a failure.