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Is the theory similar to a hotline?

by bildorfer

I read about how suicidal urges and depression don’t have to coincide, and how just getting it all out to someone verbally is cathartic enough to sort of treat suicidal people. I’d like an outlet like that to exist online where it doesn’t feel like screaming into miles of empty cyberspace. Is this is what we’ve been looking for?

I’m a student dealing with similar stuff to everyone else in university. I lead a very privileged life and have a very loving, protective mother (who happens to be the chief force perpetuating my existence, mostly out of internalized guilt.) I’ve struggled with eating disorders and disordered eating for the last half of my life, and general self-hate/anxiety/obsessive-compulsive tendencies for much longer.

Between last summer and fall I was (crudely) planning my departure, but I met a guy. I look for any reason to keep living, so new relationships are very helpful in that sense, but also very dangerous in that I’m actively getting affirmation from external sources instead of doing it for myself. Not to mention, break-ups really kill and can push me further than I was before.

Anyway, although I decided to call off my plan, as I’m sure you can imagine, the suicidal ideation has not gone away. I still want to die, and it’s getting in the way of my studies, my relationships, and basic things like hygiene and nutrition.

It hurts. I feel like a candle burning close to the end of its wick. Everything other people have worked so hard to give me and everything I spread myself so thinly to maintain are on the verge of falling apart.

 

 

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SadBk 1/24/2013 - 11:49 pm

And I read that people who are depressed do NOT need to talk, that talking only makes it worse because it helps them obsess about their negative thoughts. Suicidal people weren’t specifically mentioned, though, just depressed ones (and not all suicidal people are depressed). It was just someone’s opinion on a blog, not anything scientific, and while I partly agree with him… I don’t know. Kinda makes me wonder if I’m not depressed, because I feel like I very much DO need to talk. Verbally. To a person who cares. Yet I know no one will understand a word I say, and I don’t want to worry anyone, so I bottle it up… and spooge it out online, like here πŸ™‚

Have you had any therapy for your various afflictions? If not I encourage you to try it, and if you don’t gel with the first therapist you talk to, look for another, don’t give up.

hazelleyes 1/24/2013 - 11:52 pm

I know how you feel. It’s like we have everything to be happy – but we are not. And it doesn’t make any sense. You are well aware of the way you feel – how you said that you should be finding strenght within yourself rather than through external sources – which is good cus you kinda know how you can start helping yourself. However, at the same time, sometimes we just don’t have the strenght to do it ourselves, so we find that help outside – and I guess that is okey, it’s what I try to do at least since I don’t seem able to do it by myself.
Anyways, feels like you might want to talk/be heard. I’m here if you’d like to talk.

hazelleyes 1/24/2013 - 11:56 pm

SadBk, I don’t agree that depressed people don’t want to talk. I think it really depends from person to person. The thing is that not everyone is ready to talk about how we feel at the same time (gosh, I was only able to start talking about a couple days ago, and I have felt this way for way too long – and I feel like you, wouldn’t be able to talk about this to someone I know for same reasons). Everyone is different i guess.

bildorfer 1/24/2013 - 11:59 pm

Wow, SadBk, thanks for your fast reply! I don’t think that’s true about depression, because I know of many people with different forms of clinical depression who benefited from talk therapy.
I do have a consultation appointment on Monday to find out whether my college counselors think CBT would be a good idea for me, but after the phone diagnostic process the woman told me that I’m “not high risk” (which I suspect is the result of my attempts to avoid incriminating myself with self harm information and the suicidal thoughts) so I don’t expect much to come of it. Thank you for the advice; I’m truly open to whatever help is out there.

bildorfer 1/25/2013 - 12:01 am

Thank you very much, hazelleyes. I feel welcome and understood, and I’m glad you agree about the merits of sometimes leaning on others.

hazelleyes 1/25/2013 - 12:04 am

It’s okey with seeking for help or some kind of “light” in others, even if they don’t know everything we are going through.

SadBk 1/25/2013 - 12:10 am

@hazeleyes – true…I’m more willing to talk now than I was a few months ago. It’s frustrating when you don’t pick the right person or moment to talk, though…when they immediately invalidate you by one-upping you and making it all about them when you’ve barely even SAID anything… I don’t want to talk to those people. Nor do I want to talk to anyone TOO close to me who I might accidentally say too much to.

I think the main point of that was to let a not-depressed person know that unlike them, we don’t just need to talk to a friend to get things off our chest when we’ve had a bad day, then feel better and go on like normal. People overuse the word “depressed” to describe their moods, and it loses meaning, and they don’t understand there’s a difference with clinical depression.

@bildorfer – see above as well! And I hope you’re able to find help. Suicidal thoughts without an actual plan shouldn’t be TOO incriminating, I don’t think? But trust your instincts.

hazelleyes 1/25/2013 - 12:27 am

SadBk, unfortunatelly not everyone will understand it, or think that if they tell someone (parents, other friends) that they will be able to help you – and that’s the worst thing they could do. That’s why I don’t tell. And the worry part ofc. So I usually put on my fake smile, and try to pretend that I’m okey. But coming home and being able to have a place like this to just talk and let out some thoughts really does help. It’s not like the weight is off me, but it does help a little bit.
So, bildorfer, I guess this would be the place you might be looking for.

molly woppit 1/25/2013 - 4:33 am

I’ve been where you are and I came right with a psychiatrist and psychologist you can get better it just takes time and some great drugs!!lol comeon chin up go and see someone who can help you they will take you seriously if you go before you do anything and try to think of small pleasures in the day try and relax and things will come right you just have to hang in there…

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