I read about how suicidal urges and depression don’t have to coincide, and how just getting it all out to someone verbally is cathartic enough to sort of treat suicidal people. I’d like an outlet like that to exist online where it doesn’t feel like screaming into miles of empty cyberspace. Is this is what we’ve been looking for?
I’m a student dealing with similar stuff to everyone else in university. I lead a very privileged life and have a very loving, protective mother (who happens to be the chief force perpetuating my existence, mostly out of internalized guilt.) I’ve struggled with eating disorders and disordered eating for the last half of my life, and general self-hate/anxiety/obsessive-compulsive tendencies for much longer.
Between last summer and fall I was (crudely) planning my departure, but I met a guy. I look for any reason to keep living, so new relationships are very helpful in that sense, but also very dangerous in that I’m actively getting affirmation from external sources instead of doing it for myself. Not to mention, break-ups really kill and can push me further than I was before.
Anyway, although I decided to call off my plan, as I’m sure you can imagine, the suicidal ideation has not gone away. I still want to die, and it’s getting in the way of my studies, my relationships, and basic things like hygiene and nutrition.
It hurts. I feel like a candle burning close to the end of its wick. Everything other people have worked so hard to give me and everything I spread myself so thinly to maintain are on the verge of falling apart.