I have been having anxiety attacks since I was six years old. When I was 12 I had my first episode of major depression and at 13 made my first plan to kill myself. At 16 I was diagnosed with clinical depression and at 19 I was hospitalized for 2 weeks. Around the age of 30 I had clinical anxiety added to my diagnosis of long term depression. Now I’m nearly 40 and the pain never ends. Sometimes it recedes enough that I can laugh but I’m never really happy. The latest episode of major depression started four months ago and now I can’t go even a few hours without crying. I think about suicide all the time. My meds do nothing except help me relax a little bit (the ones for anxiety that I take as needed) but the thoughts are always cycling through me head. I’m so scared that I’ve developed pharmacological resistant depression and that my doctor is going to suggest electric shock. I want to die so that I can have peace. Even my dreams are wretched cycles of nightmares and pain. I’m terrified to tell anyone that I want to die because I don’t want to be hospitalized and taken from my kids. If I just do it they will be so much better off not having to be around me and the pain I carry.
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I think your kids would rather you and they deal with it and they get to keep you around. I say that from the perspective of someone who thought they were going to lose a parent, my dad was diagnosed with the final stage of cancer. It was depressing. Please don’t if you care about your kids.
If you have dependent children you’re not allowed to kill yourself. Sorry, but that’s just the way it is.
My mother once told me that the only reason she didn’t kill herself was because of having kids. So I blame myself for all of her pain too. It’s not that easy.
Depressedme, your situation sounds unbelievably difficult. One thing I picked up from your post is that the only medication you’re taking is “as needed” which probably means Benzos like Ativan/Xanax/etc. Those kinds of pills aren’t going to do jack squat for you.
It’s clear you have a disorder, maybe several, and those types of medications aren’t made to fix biochemical imbalances, they are meant to temporarily relieve symptoms.
I’m not sure if you’ve considered this, but there are inept doctors in the world who don’t have the capacity or knowledge to fix you. He/she will never admit this, but it seems your current doctor doesn’t have the required skill set to properly diagnose and medicate you.
I strongly encourage you to seek another doctor. As Erick said, suicide is not an option when you have children. They need you. I know you know that. Because suicide is not an option, and living like this is hell, I encourage you to seek new professional help. There are better doctors out there who can help you. Medication doesn’t fix everything (I would know), but it can help a lot.
Don’t give up; just because your current doctors are clueless doesn’t mean you’re without hope. Please find some new ones because your children need you.
No I’m also taking Effexor and have tried other meds as well. The wait list for another doctor is six months. I can’t wait that long for relief.
By the way, I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. Living with such anxiety and depression must be crushing. I don’t know the anxiety side, but I definitely know the depression. It’s like a black, intrusive blanket over my mind. The weight of the darkness almost causes physical pain. Please hear me when I know what that feels like and that the right medication can make everything so much lighter.
Yes the black blanket is such a good analogy. The anxiety is like a red curtain that comes down on top of that so that not only can I not retreat to the inside but I can’t move forward either. It’s this horrific cycle of pain.
I am also almost 40. Have had depression most of my life. Was just thinking. Have you ever tried Chiropractic care? acupuncture? Massage therapy? Maybe a prayer chain? (having people pray for you) I know that when I’m depressed though that it’s difficult to even get out of bed or even make a phone call. Would be nice to have an assistant of some kind through out the day. Maybe a maid too. lol……..Yes. it’s depressing to be depressed. Also Have you ever considered the natural route? There’s something called “crave curb” something about depressed people having less D-phenalyne in their brains & it’s supposed to give more of that. Not sure why they call it crave curb. Anyway, it’s better to try something then the route you’re talking. Try something & if you don’t have the strength for that, at least mention it to one of your children. They can google it for you. Natural cure’s for depression. There is such a thing as miracles I believe.
Sorry but I don’t believe in any of that stuff. Absolutely no scientific proof and I’m a strong believer in the scientific method.
For one, I don’t believe in electric shock therapy! That’s so barbaric. I’d be getting another doctor and better medications, as hard as it sounds to havve to do that, since you’ve got dependent children. I know what depression and anxiety is like believe me. It’s horrible and there’s so manny people who have no idea how much pain it causes, and would rather choose to lie to themselves about how apparently happy I am, because they don’t want to see the shitty side of my life. They do in a way, it’s just got blame assigned to it rather than genuine caring and sympathy. I’m not a sympathy tripper, I’m just someone who like every other loser, wants a life and a few good friends around them. Just tell your kkids I think, and they’ll help you find the help you really need.
I’ve tried many doctors throughout my time in therapy and many medications. So far nothing has worked more than a few months.
I’m not a big believer in electric shock either. It’s a rather archaic form of therapy and the science behind it seems really inconclusive. To be honest I’ve only heard bad things about it from people who tried it.
Don’t let anyone guilt trip you into staying ‘for your children’. You don’t need that kind of pressure, and frankly having to watch your parent suffer every day is the same as having no parent at all, if you are so sick that you can’t fulfil that duty.
If you are medication resistant, that doesn’t leave a lot of options. Ect has come a long way, its No longer ‘barbaric’, and I’ve seen it work for the majority of people. Obviously the people that write about it here are the ones it didnt work for. It has drawbacks too, but if you are crying every few hours, I think it’s worth a shot since you are obviously suffering.
Never make the mistake of thinking you know what other peopl want. Don’t assume that your children will be better off without you. You’re not a mind reader. Stay strong
Try Jesus only cure for a person like you
Yes like all the other depressed people I know that rely on religion as a crutch. No thank you.
depressedme,
here’s my email recycling1000@ yahoo.com if you want to talk i’m around i’ve fought the anxiety and made pretty good progess. we can trade stories