I do not know really how long I have been coming here to this website. The archive only goes back to Tuesday Feb 1st, 2011.. I have read a good lot here, I haveÂ read a lot of peoples stories. Some are very interesting, some are rather not. I may have posted things here, not quite clear. I don’t think so.
I am a 38 year old man. I turn 39 this May.Â I doubt I will make it to 40 regardless. I first started in therapy when I was 20 or so, I was still in the Navy then, it was a Navy psychiatrist. I had attempted suicide in Yokosuka Japan where I was stationed. My wife was from Peru. We had been together maybe 3 years. During this time she had 2 abortions. I had gone UA (unauthorized absence) and did not know where to go in life. Assuming the worst, I tried to slit my wrists. So many times I wished I had gone then.
I see a lot of comments on trying to get people some help, that things are ok, everything will be ok. What if I do not want things to be ok? What if I want to die? What will you say then?
After Japan upon returning home to the US, things looked good. But one thing was apparent, I just could not seem to get happy. Yes, there was times I was on top of the world. But was usually short lived.Â At some point, and for the life of me I just can not seem to recall when exactly, it seemed I could not do anything right. I had a good job and relationship one day, the next everything would unravel. Why? was it something I said, had done? No.. It was the life. Maybe it was the day I realized my wife, whom I had left in japan, was never coming here to the US? That one day I just never heard from her, could not contact her, could not find her? It was not that, however it did not help things. After I realized she did not want to be found, or me to find her, it took me about 2 years to even think about starting a new relationship. That is just the kind of person I am. I did not want to give up.
Already being suicidal I sought help again. And for a time, a long time, I seemed to be doing fairly well. Until one day it all came crashing down. There was no “trigger”. Just a deep desire to stop living. I would not even call it suicidal thoughts. Just a deep desire to lay down and never wake up. It is fairly simple. Why do I feel this way? Although some things do seem to make it worse, the problem underlying is the same.Â Why can I not just stop breathing and go peacefully? Why do I have to torture myself day after day, year after year . One doctor said I was “out of his scope”. What does that mean exactly? And medicated I feel nothing, I suppose that is how that is suppose to work? If you feel nothing at all then hey at least you will not try to suicide.. Except, when I was medicated that was closest I ever came to killing myself. Had plans, backup plans, notes … That is the second time I wished I had gone through with it. But instead I reached out. Got more “help”. What some of you people do not understand is that some people do not want ‘help’. My ‘help’ would be for you to tell me it is OK to go. I do not understand myself why I would come here and write. Everything I say seems to contradict another.
My wife is a pill head. Every dollar she makes goes to pills. I have no job. I quit my job about 9 months ago.When things go wrong here I will be homeless.Â It has been a rough 9 months. Not the worst, but rough. My (new) wife has been on me to find a job. Like I just sit around and not want a job.Â I guess honestly I do not. I feel it is Game Over time for me.Â It is worst it has ever been. It is not because I quit my job, it is the reason I quit my job. If that makes any sense. I quit my job because I gave up, I quit my wife because I gave up. I quit everything because I gave up.
I do not want help. I want understanding, I want peace. I have been living with this loop for 20 years. When they tell you it will get better, it does not. it did not for me.Â I have tried and tried. Year after year, it is the same. It’s funny. I dated a woman once, we split up. She checked herself into a psych place, they had her doped up so much she choked on a brownie. Hmmmmm