Somebody in my philosophy class last semester suggested that maybe life is hell. She said, look at all the suffering and pain, doesn’t it seem sort of hellish the things that so many people have to go through? I didn’t know what to think then but now I believe her. This feels like hell, it hurts like hell. The emotional pain I have experienced as a result of depression is absolutely indescribable. There are no words. The feeling of wanting to die is so strong at times that it terrifies me. I know I am capable of acting on it. But I can’t, because I have people in my life who love me and need me to be here for them. This almost terrifies me more, because I want out but I am trapped here. I want to get better but it feels impossible. I want to kill myself. I never understood depression before this. I understood grief, trauma and sadness, but not depression. I feel out of control, my thoughts are taking over. Thought of suicide are constantly on my mind. Ways to die, how to do it, what it might feel like. I want to end everything, I want it all to be over. I don’t feel scared. I want to but for some reason I am still sitting here.
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23 comments
Everything you just said basically sums up my life right now 🙁
what are we supposed to do? this is so fucking hard.
That’s what I’ve been asking myself for the last 3 years. I have no idea why I’m still here. I’m so tired of having the same thoughts in my head all the time and crying myself to sleep every night
lucyinthesky
i agree with butterfly93
the thing is there are no garentees about life there is no heaven there is no hell, there’s good times and bad times, we have control of some of it but not everything health controls it, other people control it many things out of are control controls it, we are here for no special purpose try to enjoy it the best you can. it will be over before you know it anyways! 🙂
But what do you do when you stop enjoying it and every day is just filled with being scared and alone?
butterfly93,
email me and i tell you! top secret!! SSSHHHH!!
recycling1000@ yahoo.com
well you try to change those things. need more input!
You make it sound so easy. It’s so bloody hard to change things when you feel like this.
butterfly93,
it’s not easy did i say it would be easy???
anything worth having is worth working for 🙂
I know, but it just seems like nothing I try is working
butterfly93,
and what might that be?
What have I tried? Councilling, medication, trying to be a bit more sociable so I’m not stuck in by myself all the time, trying to talk to the people around me about how I’m feeling. The list goes on! I even went to see my college councillor today because I just feel like something bad is going to happen soon if I don’t get help
butterfly93,
did the meds help?
i perfer not to talk to people around me it tends to drive them away!
what do you mean bads going to happen??
Not really no. I only tried talking to people around me once, because that’s exactly what I found too. Everybody just thinks you’re crazy. I mean that I might end up finding a permanent solution to my problems. I’ve started thinking about it more and more lately.
butterfly93, I totally understand how you feel. I have also tried what feels like everything, the past few months I have spoken with doctors, psychiatrists, psych nurses, police, counsellors, therapists, I have gone to group CBT therapy, tried taking st. john’s wort, changing my diet, tried to quit drinking, seen an addictions counsellor, spoken with my school counsellor, ended up at the hospital twice and the second time they did not care that I was suicidal but instead gave me four anxiety pills and sent me home. NOTHING is helping and I feel like I am going to be this way forever.
It is impossible to just enjoy it when I feel this way. I am so defeated and hopeless. I desperately want to change things but nothing is helping me. I feel like I am too far gone.
butterfly93,
i got to go! right now, i think you should try new meds, and talk to me about it you have my email.
I’m feeling the same. I’m scared there’s something physically wrong with my head, like I’m unable to be happy anymore. I’ve started getting this panicky feeling in my chest all day. Unless people have been through or are going through it themselves, they have no idea why the fuck you are on about! I told my friend how I was feeling a few weeks ago and she said ‘just stop feeling like that then and stop trying to get attention’. How do you just stop? I really wish I could!!
ok, thanks for talking to me
butterfly93,
I know. People don’t understand it unless they have felt it. It isn’t something we can control. My mom tries to tell me not to worry and she seems to think it will just go away on its own but it won’t. It is so overwhelming. I feel like there is something seriously wrong with me. I get panic attacks all the time and it is so different from when I was younger and I wanted to die, this is bigger, I don’t want to feel suicidal but the pain is so intense I don’t know what else to do.
As for your friend telling you to just stop… does she really think if you could “just stop” that you wouldn’t have done that already? Obviously you don’t want to feel like this. It isn’t a choice. If you had your way you wouldn’t feel like this at all. If only it was something we could control. People can be very ignorant.
butterfly93,
i had those type of feeling and others! the chest ones started around 19 and went away in around 23.
Do you have any idea why you feel like this? For me it’s loads of little things that I somehow manage to turn into a huge problem. I’ve been depressed for around 3 years now, and I ended up actually trying to kill myself. For the past year I’ve actually been pretty good and I didn’t get bad thought too often. The problem was I started feeling like I was getting somewhere and now I’m back where I started! I don’t feel like I’m strong enough to fight it all over again, but I really don’t want to die.
I get other feelings too. This one is just stressing me out because I never had it last time I was really struggling. I couldn’t sleep and hardly ate, ect, but this feels different