When I was in my younger teens… I was inappropriately touched. Lately, I’ve started to feel I guess, sexual urges. Every time I ever think about it I yell at myself, I feel so much pain in my chest, it feels horrible. I get angry sometimes and feel disgusting for even thinking of “it”. I’m unsure if it is normal. To feel so much hurt,disgust,anger, and pain. Just over something like thinking about.
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Why do you yell at yourself? you are right it is totally normal to feel those urges, so why are mad at yourself for feeling them? The fact that you were abused has nothing to do with the urges, Sorry about the abuse btw, it is something you will need to come to terms with or you will be running from it forever.
Hope you feel better soon
Ruins
I think.. it’s because I try really hard to bury the past. I think it is because I don’t want to have those urges. They’re normal… I think I’m mad because its bringing up a past I don’t want to know? I’m mad because I wish I really didn’t have to have those.
Have you considered therapy?
A life with out sex would be a very mundane life I think, it is part of being human to fall in love with someone and make love. You can bury the rest of the past if you like but I think dealing with this issue would be best, since this is an urge is that is never going to leave you. Do you have a therapist? Mine helped me deal with my issues and now I am right as rain.
You have to go with the path you are most uncomfortable sometimes if you want to get better. that path may be talking about your abuse.
I wish you happiness
Ruins
no matter how deep you try to bury something like this, it’s always in reality just below the surface. in time maybe, when you are ready, you will find the strength to dig up the rotten old painful past, and eventually plant new and wonderful feelings… which can truly grow to become a beautiful thing.
your suffering is not fair, and it’s such a terrible tragedy that you and so many people have lived with it for so long.
I’ve been in therapy for 2 years now, I don’t think things are changing very much. I don’t want to tell my therapist about this because.. well how do you tell someone something like that and expect them to not laugh in your face? or think of me differently.
@Ruins.
Yeah, therapy for 2 years, but I find it very hard for me to talk about my feeling all these troubled things when it comes to that. She already finds me strange for not liking anyone at all. She says I’m Asexual, I don’t want anything/anyone. So bringing up sex as a casual thing would lead into other questions such as “Which gender do you see yourself doing these things with?” and I don’t want to answer those questions. I like being just Asexual. It kills me for it to be so normal to have these urges because they hurt so much.
If you have a good therapist they should remain impartial no matter what you tell them. I told mine everything, I felt the same as you, it was very difficult for me to tell her some stuff but I forced it out. I also told her it made me feel weird to do it because, and note this, I felt like she would look at me differently or judge me. Same as you, weird huh?
She told me that she was not going to judge me, she was there to help me and she would treat everything I said seriously and with care.
Seriously that woman saved my life. Tell youtr therapist Somnium, if you are ready that is. If you feel you cant or you dont trust your therapist, then maybe you should get a new therapist. I trust mine more than any other person I know. Even people I have known my whole life.
Hope you feel better soon.
Ruins
@love.lost.gone
Thank you, maybe one day.. I see the way it is making me feel, I am choosing to ignore it because I’m afraid if I open up to it, it’ll take control and I’ll lose myself… Maybe one day..I will open to the past and will get over it –to create those wonderful feelings.
Thanks again
She sounds like a bad therapist, very bad. If she knows you have been abused then how could she think you are Asexual? I am guessing that its this abuse that lead you to think you were asexual, or wish you were Asexual so you would not have these thoughts. But they are happening, so you are most certainly not Asexual, you must deal with the abuse. Sorry to say.
Then again, I am not a therapist. So it is only my own option. I really dont know what is best for you, so I shouldnt be telling you what to do really.
I am here if you want to talk about anything. So is everyone else on SP. You can say anything here, we wont judge you.
Ruins
@Ruins
Thanks. I just have a hard time trusting her, because she talks to other people about some of the ways I am. She told her superior about me being Asexual, because she found it strange. Then I hear other things from other people that she has said. That is what concerns me is.. what if I tell her my story, and she gets interested or confused and blabbers to other people (like she has done in the past). A new therapist.. is a scary concept considering how long I’ve been with this one. it is a lot to start over, like starting over is scary too. I’m so conflicted this must be rough on you. T_T
Yeah, every time I explain that she is really bad at her job no one seems to listen they all say “Well, I usually only hear good things from her.” but they kind of say it in a way that says “We know that but we can only say nice things about our co-workers.” Shes really young, so I figure that is why she isn’t very good. Shes inexperienced.
That really is a tough spot to be in Somium.
I will admit this has been one of the more challenging conversations I have had in a while, but since your such a nice person I dont mind. 🙂
Therapist are supposed to keep everything confidential. 100% confidential. I dont know what the hell is going on if she is telling other people your buisness. I am sending her bad karma right now for putting you in this position.
Perhaps, and im not suggesting you do this, I am just bringing up the option, maybe you should express these concerns, that you dont feel comfortable telling her things.
Sorry I cant do this, I have to be honest even though i know you dont want to hear this, the last thing I want to do is scare you or make your day worse, but if you have been seeing a therapist for 2 years and you dont trust her now then I dont think you ever will.
I think you need a new doctor hun. Sorry, dont be scared. Change is a good thing. With change things can get better.
Again it is only my option.
You can talk to me if you like. Who am I going to tell 😛
Hope you feel better soon.
Ruins