parents, school, friends, self

I’ve felt the same way my whole life. When I see anything, hear anything, or think about anything in the world, it makes me feel pain and anger. I have no idea why.
I’m also angry at my parents for things they did that they no longer do. I hate my mom still for having always implied things, and for hitting me and telling me to kill myself and blaming me for my dad’s sickness and whatever. She doesn’t do it anymore, but when she tries to talk to me, I feel enraged. It’s uncontrollable. I just think about random things she’s done: and the most hurtful thing I remember is when she’s not screeching, when she’s quiet, and she seriously says something like “I wish I had aborted you, and I wanted to.” Or when she ran away continually from home, always beingviolent and throwing things. I can’t stop thinking about it. She’s old now and less volatile, but when I see her I don’t think of safety or love or whatever. Her presence makes on edge and irritated and fearful. When she speaks to me normally, there are still barbs in her sentences. I want her to be happy and alive, but I don’t want to be around her.
My dad is always telling me things about her too. How she’s a stupid woman, how women are stupid and less capable (I’m a girl), how everything I’ve done is weak and pitiful and whatever. I just want to run away. I don’t care that my parents used to beateach other and yell at each other or whatever, I never cared. I just don’t want to hear about it.
School is a fucking shithole. My friends are self-absorbed assholes who like to imply things. I had to go to this stupid high school for the gifted where twenty page papers are doled out every month and all-nighters are impossible to avoid. I can’t stand it. I can’t even sleep anymore at night. When I try to sleep, I get so angry and I feel the urge to jump out of my window naked so I can shame my family and make them leave me alone in a hospital. Even when they’re nice now, I can’t stand them. I keep thinking these angry things and hating people. I’ve always wanted to become nothing, and I never wanted to be born. Yet my parents are always acting like my birth is a boon: like I owe them something for my existence. My greatest wish is just to die in my sleep. I just wnat relief from anger.
I guess what I want from this is just for somebody to listen to me. I can’t tell a counselor, or they’d just try to send me to a therapist when I don’t have time for it. And if it turns out that my only option is suicide, I don’t want someone breathing down my neck telling me trite reasons to keep myself alive. And if I’m anonymous, and someone thinks I’m weak for saying these things or ungrateful, then my reputation is still as it was.
Anyway, if you read this far, thanks for letting me feel like I’ve vented to somebody.