i hurt everyone i concern myself with
this guy likes me, he is 3 years older than me.
he told me and asked me out, and i didn’t know how to respond because i do like him, but he is too kind and good for me, i would only damage him.
so i said no, his friends had been dumping a load of shit on me saying that he is really distraught about it and stuff.
i a can’t help but feel a pang in my heat everytime anything is mentioned about him. i wish i could be with him, but it’s not good for him.
i started getting better… i hadnt cut Â since 24th of december 2012, then on the 17th… i relapse.
i haven’t eaten since the 7th…. i have only had liquids
i have cut every day since wednesday
my heart cannot take anymore people leaving me, i have lost 2 more friends, now only 2 remain.
im isolating myself again
my family don’t mind as they think i am getting better
i dont know how to cope with anything anymore. im feeling so alone. im not strong enough for this.
it’s like im trying to scream for help but all my devils are sitting on my chest not letting me intake any air to let out a sound. but im not dying, somehow im staying alive, but i don’t need oxygen.
im just there. and the more i struggle, the heavier everything gets, but if i dont struggle everything becomes more intense to MAKE me NEED to struggle.
food repulses me now. im never hungry. im questioning how people can like such things. it only makes you fat. and no ones loves you when your fat.
the boy i mentioned earlier? he told his friends to stop, and he told me that it was okay, and that he understood why… he thought i said no because of the age gap… but if we were together, he would discover everything. and he wouldn’t ever be able to love me… and if he found some way too, i would begin to push him away. he would feel he was to blame, and begin feeling guilty over my own selfish ways.
nobody should come near me
im a danger to everyone around me.
i just cut again… a little deeper than usual..
the swirling around the sink is so hypnotizing, i love it…
i know i just jumped from subject but this is one thing that makes me smile, knowing that MY blood can create something so beautiful…
i should go now, my sister said she would be home in an hour, and i need to clean up.