“It’s a new day”, she thinks.
Open the blinds, the sun is shinning. She grabs her laptop, opens up itunes and puts some happy song playing.
“This will be a better day, it has to be.”
Hops up in the shower, singing along with the music, feeling the water wash away all the bad stuff. It almost seems like everything is okey, like the darkness is starting to go away. Her long hair is all pretty, and she looks at the mirror comtemplating herself.
“Maybe today someone will understand, maybe today someone will truly be there for me. Maybe I won’t be alone anymore.”
The music is still playing while she gets ready. The coffee machine pops indicating that the pot of freshly made coffee is done. Oh, how it smells so good.
She grabs some coffee and sits by the window, thinking that today might be a good day, hoping that it will be. And in that hopeful moment, the song changes. Memories of the jerk who broke her heart, who broke her, come alive. And that’s when it all comes crashing down. One thing pulls another and next thing she knows, she is curled up in the floor, back to the middle of that black hole, where everything is dark, where she is surrounded by darkness, by all the demons who taunt her way too many times.
Hours have passed, and she is still in the same place, not able to move, not able to live. There are marks of her nails in her skin, red eyes and by now all her mascara is smudged all over her cheeks. A terrifying image, but no one is there to see, she is all alone.
Looking out the window she realizes it is now night. And so she grabs every single bit of strenght she has left in herself, gets up and goes to bed.
“Tomorrow will be a better day, it has to be..”
20 comments
wow thats deep
🙁 unfortunately it feels like my every day life..
.. You, madam, is like.. A whole new of deep.. It’s a tear jerker, honestly. It’s a great way to let all the bad stuff go away for a while in my opinion.
Domino, I didn’t really understand what you meant. it’s not like things go away.. it’s the same routine everyday.. it just keeps hurting you, throwing you against the floor and not letting you get up.
What you wrote is so beautiful…and so sad… 🙁 Reading it made me want to just break down and cry…
Is there anything you’d like me to do to help?
I don’t know what I can do or what can be done to help myself, I have no answers at this moment.. I just feel so lost, empty and alone.. I’m so sick of everything.
Is there a library or bookstore you can get to? At the moment, all the advice I can think of is to get the book “Feeling Good” by Dr. David D. Burns.
blacklight, have you read the book? did it help in any way? because I used to read kind of selfhelp books, and stuff that would make you see life differently.. and yeh it could help for a couple days, but then it is all back to shity black hole.
Hi hazeleyes. Was your depression caused by your ex-boyfriend? He sounds like a real jerk. Your story makes me so sad. I’m sure many people can relate to your story. Waking up with hope, but only to fall back into the depths of despair. You have to move on and allow yourself to heal.
Dave, no, unfortunately it wasn’t caused by my ex, if only that was my only problem.. I have felt like this for a few years.. actually I can’t recall for how long.. but for quite some time.. He just made it worst, he manipulated me, used me, mentally abused me, almost hit me, all this when I was going through a really hard time in my life (when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and throughout the treatment period), so pretty much he would press up on my “wounds”, when I was weak, and managed to have me the way he wanted..submissive. I have kinda of come to terms with that. What I will never be able to do, however, is to forgive myself for allowing him to manipulate me that way – because the ultimate person who let him do that was myself. If that makes any sense. But it isn’t just because of this.. it is because of simply everything. Everything is wrong.
I woke up this morning and thought, I hope it’s a better day for someone else because my days are never good. I wanted you to have a good day and I’m sorry today wasn’t any better. I care that you feel like this. I was hoping you were going to feel better. I haven’t had a chance to get on my email (the computer I’m using now is old and won’t load it) but if you have enough energy tommorow, please check yours. The world is messed up but it’s not your fault. You shouldn’t blame yourself. You’re smart, use your reasoning and tell yourself that this stuff happened in the past and you can’t change it so you shouldn’t worry about it, just don’t let it happen again. Your ex is an ex, your mom is okay, and as soon as you calm down you’ll do good in college.
freezinginfire, thank you for the kind words, and thank you for remembering me. That’s what I try to tell myself, that it’s over, that the main bad parts of my life are finally over, that I need to move on, to pull myself together and do what I know I can do. But I don’t have the strenght. I honestly don’t.. I don’t have any motivation, I have no strenght anymore.
You care about your mom right? Can you use that as your motivation? We all care about you on here, hopefully that would motivate you a little. I still think you need to try some sort of medicine. You sound like you wake up hopeful and happy. What is it that is making you remember the bad things that have happened and unable to move on? Can you avoid it somehow?
My mom is the reason why I am still here. And that’s already a lot, believe me. I think you might be right, maybe taking something might help me, but then I think that I’m too young to start needing to take medicine in such a regular basis. There’s not a special triguer, just life. I usually wake up, think “today’s the day I’m gonna go and study” (I’m still in exam time) but then I just don’t have the energy to get up and I usually end up falling asleep and oversleeping till almost night.
Maybe you should start with getting your sleeping back on a normal schedule then. I know you take stuff to help, but I think it may take some willingness to go to sleep at the right time too. If you’re absolutely convinced there’s nothing you can do, then I think you should get the medicine now, but if you don’t want to and you think you’ll be okay without it longer that’s fine too. However, you’re never too young for something like that. I have a stress related eating disorder. If I get stressed I produce too much stomach acid and physically can not eat. Last time I was involved in a relationship that ended badly, I couldn’t eat for a week and I was taking a ton of stuff. As for waking up, I never feel like it. My mom comes in my room at around 7 and basically drags me out of bed. It doesn’t sound like you live with anyone, but do you have a roommate or friend you can tell you really need help and get to come over and get you up?
I’ve tried. I would pull an allnighter so the next day I would be able to sleep at night – and I would end up sleeping 20hours – which meant waking up late afternoon. I dont know, I guess I feel safer at night. Always been a night person. The other thing about me getting the medicine would mean that I would have to go to a doctor without my parents finding out, which is the hard part. Although I’m thinking of trying it anyways even if to try and get some medicine to help me concentrate in studying. I have my friends call me, my mother also when she is at work, I have also 15 alarm clocks set on my phone (and they only stop ringing once I solve equations or type sequences of numbers and letters) – nothing works. I always go back to sleep. No point in waking up. I am going to sleep now tho, the pills finally have had some effect (even though I have taken them almost 4 hours ago). At least tonight/today the sun is not out yet. Guess that’s kinda of a victory, although there are people already leaving the house to go to work lol.
I’m glad you’re finally getting to sleep. I’m about to fall asleep. I guess I don’t know what time it is where you are if people are already leaving for work. Hopefully I’ll be able to talk to you tommorow and you’ll be doing better!
Btw, I didn’t mean to disregard what you said about you. I’m also listening to what you have to say 🙂 It sucks that someone would treat you badly, especially when you seem such a nice person – I mean not everyone would take their time to reply and pay attention to others. I also have some problems with the acid in my stomach, I don’t know if it is stress related, but it appeared recently. I had to go to the doctor because of it and now I take everyday a pill that protects my stomach. Maybe something like that would be able to help you, don’t know if you are taking something else.
Let’s hope so. And I wish you a better day than yesterday’s. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day 🙂
It’s a bit of a long book, but I read most of it. It definitely helped…until I stopped going back to it regularly…
Maybe…um…try thinking of it like the pill for your stomach–it’ll only work if taken regularly! 🙂 Sorry I don’t have more, but…does that help?