The drugs that I have been on for the past year are Effexor, Wellbutrin and Lamictal. The doctor told me they were antidepressants however I was always depressed. The only problem was that I never felt fully cured or happy. During the day or when I was around anyone I would always put on a happy face and joke with everyone so no one could see my pain, depression and loneliness. Everyone thought I wasÂ a happy-go-lucky guy. At times I almost convinced myself. What really made me realize that the Effexor and Wellbutrin were working to some extent was if I forgot to take them for a few days (or ran out), I would start crying at the slightest sad thing that I saw on TV. Tears would be running down my face and I would be crying for a few minutes and then I would stop until the next sad thing. A single day after I resumed the Effexor and Wellbutrin crying went away for the most part. I should point out that even when I was taking the medications I would still get occasional very short sobbing episodes if I saw something that was exceptionally sad.Â One thing that I have noted, is that there is a distinct difference between crying and sobbing. Usually crying can last for a few minutes whereas sobbing causes the whole body to shake for a few seconds and renders me almost paralyzed and unable to think for a short moment.Â If I am crying, I can go about my business with tears running down my face, but movingÂ and thinking nevertheless.
Deep down inside I was just treading water and I expected to drown at any minute.Â In my life it seemed that if anything could go wrong, it did. I started writing down everything that seemed like good luck also anything that seemed like bad luck or unfortunate occurrences and the bad luck occurred twice as frequently as the good…maybe more.Â The desire to end it all never went away. During the past ten years I have not had one single happy dream at night. During the past twenty years I have slept alone 7300 nights, I have eaten 22,000 meals alone.Â Although I have visited 38 of the fifty states and most countries in Europe, I have always been alone.Â Â In the past twenty years I have been kissed on the lips by only two women (and zero men).Â SOB… it is very lonely. I have almost no tactile interaction with anyone. I am so thankful when I run into anyone that is tactile and wants to exchange hugs.
During the past year the closest I got to actually committing the act was the day I was evicted from my home, only the fact I felt so down and out made me want to delay my final exit until I stabilized and felt a little better. ( I want to die Happy)
I do not like to look at any drug insert for side effects until I have been on them for a while since I do not want to psyche myself out that I am suffering some weird side effect.Â After a month of taking Lamotrigine ( Lamictal ) I read the insert and found that one of the major uses was for Bipolar illness not depression. I do not believe I am Bipolar because I never reach a high or be happy, I am always down or just coasting along. I would love to feel happy. That is why I intend to go to see a funny movie (probably the same day) before moving on. The Lamotrigine seems to work about the same as Bupropion as far as keeping me just coasting but the crying seems a little more pronounced than on Bupropion.Â My previous experience with antidepressants was spending 3 years on Lexapro at the maximum daily dose.Â My body unfortunately became used to taking it and became less and less effective.
I still want to end it all but I am not in a great rush. The main reasons that I want to go, are health issues, being almost in a state of poverty and living alone for the last 20 years. I am tired of everything and living is just too much effort.Â Apart from that, I am a perfectly normal person.
Sorry that I appear to just ramble during this post, my brain seems to be the consistency of mush today. Maybe because all I have had to eat for the last 3 days is Raman noodles.Â When my SS check arrives in a few days I will treat myself to a steak and dessert. I cant wait to eat something besides Cup-O-Noodles, but they only cost 20 cents a package. I am down to my last 26 cents!!!