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What am I so afraid of…?

by TarotXIII

It struck my recently. This rock-bottom self confidence, self hate, doubt, etc. It is fear. Fear of what you ask? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I’ve never been this serious about something in a long time. I’ve been doing researches, reading and a lot of thinking. The whole Carl Jung theories were eaten whole one night. His theories on our “Shadow” is what stroke me the most.

Anyways, it seems I am deeply afraid of something. I just can’t find what. I wish I could say it’s a relief to have pinpointed something, but it’s not. Each time I start something, it just end midway. Fear of failure? Thinking of the distant future seems so dreadful. Fear of moving forward? I freeze when asked personal questions. Fear f being exposed, or rejected?

The more I think, the more it is hazy and the more I find thing I want to run away for. I feel such a weak person. I wish I had this confidence that everyone around me seem to boast. For now I’m just wasting another year of study. Threw 3000 bucks so I could pretend I’m doing something with my life but it feel like such an ordeal. As everyone around me seem to succeed or be content with their lives, I can’t help but feel so envious. How I wish to make those self doubt vanish, just for one day would be liberating. The worst is looking back at my life so far, it is just clear as water. I’ve been a puppet lead by the expectations and pressures of my surrounding. A weak minded failed puppet.

It says in Jung’s theories that meeting your “shadow” is among the most traumatic experiences one can endure. As for me, maybe meeting mine would smack some sense in my head.

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6 comments

wrpj7569 1/22/2013 - 4:35 am

I don’t think I have enough confidence to fill a thimble, but I have enough doubt to fill an ocean. Don’t let it drown you. Take chances. Push yourself past your comfort zone and chase after the things you want. You might not always get them, but at least you could say you tried. Don’t let yourself become an empty broken shell like me. Be yourself and if anyone doesn’t like it, fuck ’em. “Courage isn’t the absence of fear. Only fools have no fear. To have courage means to be afraid, but not to let that fear stop you from doing what must be done.” And if there is one thing you have to do, it’s whatever it takes to make yourself happy.

TarotXIII 1/22/2013 - 2:53 pm

This is what I initially tried to do. Earlier this year I moved away for those studies. Eight hours away from everyone I know. This made me realize that I’m not the loner I thought I was. Maybe I should have moved out of the country though.

Thanks for the quote on courage. Even though I don’t have any of it, I’ll try doing whatever I do without being affected by all those stares, wich is one of the hardest things for me.

blahh 1/22/2013 - 5:00 am

i met my shadow, its horrible to have known it, im struggling now to become me, a better connected with myself being, it was traumatic. and it brought me some sense of reality at least of what i dont want for me. but trying to recover and be together again is a huge struggle everyday. i dont think im up for it.

blahh 1/22/2013 - 5:02 am

does that happen often? meeting our shadow?

TarotXIII 1/22/2013 - 2:47 pm

Supposedly you can easily meet it in your dreams. Though I obviously have no memories of it. It also says it’s the first step to becoming “you”.

blahh 1/22/2013 - 5:02 am

i mean to everybody…

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