It struck my recently. This rock-bottomÂ self confidence, self hate, doubt, etc. It is fear. Fear of what you ask? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I’ve never been this serious about something in a long time. I’ve been doing researches, reading and a lot of thinking. The whole Carl Jung theories were eaten whole one night. His theories on our “Shadow” is whatÂ strokeÂ me the most.
Anyways, it seems I am deeply afraid of something. I just can’t find what. I wish I could say it’s aÂ reliefÂ to have pinpointed something, but it’s not. Each time I start something, it just end midway. Fear of failure? Thinking of the distant future seems so dreadful. Fear of moving forward? I freeze when asked personal questions. Fear f being exposed, or rejected?
The more I think, the more it is hazy and the more I find thing I want to run away for. I feel such a weak person. I wish I had this confidence that everyone around me seem to boast. For now I’m just wasting another year of study. Threw 3000 bucks so I could pretend I’m doing something with my life but it feel like such an ordeal. As everyone around me seem to succeed or be content with their lives, I can’t help but feel so envious. How I wish to make those self doubt vanish, just for one day would be liberating. The worst is looking back at my life so far, it is just clear as water. I’ve been a puppet lead by the expectations and pressures of my surrounding. A weak minded failed puppet.
It says in Jung’s theories that meeting your “shadow” is among the most traumatic experiences one can endure. As for me, maybe meeting mine would smack some sense in my head.