Let me say first that though my life has been very hard for a woman that has only lived in this world for 24 years, I have been blessed with two beautiful children. Even though I have these angels with me everyday I still find myself locked in my closet uncontrollable crying with something in my head telling me my family would be better off without me. What role do I play in this world that I deserve to live. Let me start from the beginning of my life…. I was born into a abusive family where I witnessed my father beat my mother and as I grew up he started beating me as well. At the age of 13 I was raped by two military men, instead of reporting this I turned to drugs. I was a addict from the age of 13-16. I got pregnant by my drug dealer at 16, of course he wasn’t around at all. I turned to my family for hell and was shunned away so I cleaned up and raised my baby all alone. When he was 3 I met my now husband who is a great man and gave me my baby girl. I have always cut myself when I get overwhelmed, I don’t know why but it helps to see my blood come out of me. Its like a remind that I am alive but yet it doesn’t hurt, pain feels good to me. Thoughts of suicide have been creeping into my thoughts again. I am unsure of what to do, sometimes I think my family is better off without a nut job around but I also don’t wana leave my babies with the weight of my demise on their shoulders as they grow into , what I hope, beautiful adults.
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Hi. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re suffering so much right now. I think you need professional help to deal with the emotional trauma that you suffered when you were young. Please refrain from cutting yourself. It’s such a harmful way of dealing with your emotional trauma. Also, your two children need you, because your their mother. If you were gone, then they could end up in abusive foster homes. Please don’t give up.
See that’s the thing though I have been to therapist and treatment centers off and on for about five years now and all they do is put me on meds that are a temporary fix. So I don’t know what the next step is from here.
That’s allot of pain for anyone to have to carry in a life time.
If you don’t mind me saying you seem to have done some remarkable work already in overcoming obstacles.
Its possible your suffering from Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and have a lot of grieving left to do.
We need to honestly grieve before we can let go of a painful past and in a way that doesn’t let us get stuck in the sorrow.
Overcoming a past and the emotions that are generated by its telling is hard work.
Considering how far you’ve come it sounds like you might be up for it and I hope you try to someone to help you.
I can tell you from personal experience that telling your story to someone who does not have an invested interest in you can really help to get some distance between the past and who you are.
Meds can help get you to a place where you can start working on the problem but they do not take the place of working on the problem rooted in the past.
If the professionals are only dealing with the chemical side of things then they are only doing half the job and you haven’t found the right one.
Thoughts of suicide are normal, and for most cases are the psyche way of getting our attention to a way of thinking thinking, a story, a coping mechanism, a outlook…what have you… that metaphorically needs to die.
It is no coincidence that the religions and myths from all cultures deal with this very necessity.
The stories ask us to trust the process.
Letting go of parts of our selves even and especially those that are causing us harm, will be difficult and will feel like dying.
The hero’s return tells us that it can be done. The promise for those who go through their trial is to return home and know it as if for the first time a kind off resurrection if you will.
In the words of T.S Eliot
“We shall not cease from exploration, And the end of all our exploring, Will be to arrive where we started, And know the place for the first time.â€