Why??!! Why??!! Why does everybody always say that I’m happy, and I’m funny and laughing and stuff?! Do they really don’t see that HUGE mask I wear most of the time??? It’s just so crazy. Today too, I was at the part-time therapy (monday till friday from 9am till 3pm) and the group and the therapists thought that I was happy and that everything was okay, and so on. And that while they know I wear often a mask and that it goes really bad with me right now. But how hard I tried, they wouldn’t believe me I’m feeling really bad and that all the laughing and smiling was just an act. How can they EVER understand me, if they don’t understand this? I’m feeling really helpless and lonely and misunderstood. If they just believe me, they would know that it only gets worse and worse. If there won’t be any difference, I’ll be dead in a couple weeks, cause I just don’t wanna live like this. I’ve been thinking a long time about suicide, but every time I fought against those feelings. Now I’m just sick of fighting and constantly been knocked down. I’m really desperate right now…Please, someone help me!
They say I’m always happy,
and that I’m good at what I do,
but what they’ll never realize is,
I’m a damn good actress too.