So, here it goes: I’m a failure. I didn’t pass one freaking exam this semester.
Consequence: I get my money cut off. So now I won’t have money for cigarettes, coffee, an occasional night out – pretty much all the little things that were keeping me alive.
I can’t kill myself yet. My mom is not strong enough to be able to take it yet. So that will have to wait for a little bit – no matter how much I wish I could do it now.
Solution: Get a Job. So I’m leaving in a little bit to try and go get job at the casino – pays well, working at night (so I can still go to classes during the day), and it doesn’t get boring.
Now the thing is, it’s kinda of dangerous – I mean, you can get approached by some man who was frequenting the casino, after you leave, and you are all alone – and then what? I’m laughing cus I have given lectures to a couple friends of mine who wanted to work there – cus if something happens, what will you do? But for some reason this danger is really making me want to get this job – maybe something will happen and I’ll die. And that would be a good thing. So, is it wrong to get it? Â Since I have to stick around for a little while, I feel drawn to dangerous stuff. Do you guys feel the same?
I felt numb – all throughout the conversation with my parents. I stopped caring. I was there but I didn’t hear all of the conversation – I was just staring at the window imagining me getting up from my seat and just jumping – gosh, that would have been hilarious.
Also, something really hurtful – Dad saying “now don’t go and start making excuses saying something you kiddos get now, uh, how is it called?… uh.. oh right, depression”. LOL thanks daddy, seriously. I love you with all my heart, but jezz that fucking hurts.
I love my parents, and I know they are doing this for my own good. I know I won’t stop having a place to live, or food on the table. I know I should be grateful, but all I can feel is this dark numbness that’s starting to overcome me.
I’m still alive, but I’m welcoming death – may you not take too long.
Anyways, Wish me Good Luck!
I will come by later and tell you all how it went!
4 comments
Good luck with the job!
As for being drawn to the dangerous, well there are different types of danger, but usually its not fatal so unlikely to give the result you want. The man tha approaches you after work probably won’t kill you, it’ll just be really unpleasant. That kind of really unpleasant non-fatal danger is best avoided. But I don’t see working at a casino as a dangerous job as long as you keep your wits about.
Hi Hazel. I’m sorry to hear that you failed your exams, but its not the end of the world. You just have to retake those courses and make sure to do your homework, hand in the assignments and study for your tests and exams. Also, its good that you want to get a job at the casino, but be careful when you’re leaving. Maybe you should carry a pocket knife for protection? I guess your dad doesn’t really understand depression. He wants you to be happy.
one_day: but really unpleasant might lead to me fighting back with might end up in something worst.. get my point? Plus the area isn’t too great at night. I’m having too much dark thoughts, I know, maybe they are wrong – but fuck it.
Dane_N: I don’t have homework at university, only one occasional midterm and exams. and I can’t focus. My parents won’t believe this. They think it’s the lack of motivation. Which I also have (caused by depression – that part they don’t know). Anyways, I really have a big problem being able to focus and study – I’m thinking of getting some medication from a shrink cus of it. And I know it will help. So next semester should be better. But not even that matters to me anymore. I’ll do it to make my parents happy. I’ve stopped caring, I feel numb.
That’s true, although its a complicated way to get what you want. Well I guess taking any action, even a potentially dangerous one, is better than none at all. But have you considered getting another job?