I honestly don’t know where to begin. I know this isn’t where I thought I would be, at 34. Writing an anonymous blog about how the scope of my life suddenly seems meaningless.  I’m tired of smiling on the outside when I’m crying on the inside. I’m tired of helping people through all their misery and pain, yet they forget to help me when I’m in need. I’m tired of work, and the stress it has caused me — but I’ve gone too far. I’m too accomplished that leaving would cause all the would-be supporters to clamor, “you’re such an idiot for throwing away your career.” Little do they know I’m a 100 year old oak that has decayed inside. When it snaps and falls to the ground, everyone is shocked — “how could such a pillar fall? It looked so strong”. I’m tired of not being able to disclose my true feelings to my father because “That’s not how men deal with their problems.”  I’m tired being 34 and not having anyone in my life, constantly getting rejected. I’m tired of being a gentleman — they do always finish last. I’m tired being reminded of my failures to have a family, everywhere I go — young families with kids, and I can’t reproduce. I’m tired of being fat and losing weight only to make others like me more when I really want to love myself more; but I fail every time. I’m sick of people saying your weight doesn’t matter when dating, when it clearly fucking does. I’m tired of caring too much about how others feel about me — I always said out loud it doesn’t matter what people think of me; but inside it hurt so much. But who could I tell. I was the 100 year old oak — it’ll always be there, right? I’m tired of being the nice guy all the time, and being told that “you’ll find someone when you least expect it, ” know it is the biggest lie on earth. I’m tired of my life. I’m tired of my mind reminding me how much of a failure I am when it came to my religious vows to God. How I tried my hardest to reject my sexuality, and how embracing it brought even more misery. And the torture I feel each day because I am a failure at changing my life. I want to be “normal.” But I can’t. I’m tired of coming home alone and being alone. Having no friends amidst a sea of “friends”. I’m tired of being taken for granted. That I’m supposed to be the “ranting tree” others use when they need it, but can’t spare a shoulder to cry on when I need it. I hate my life. I hate my best friend committed suicide in ’94, and how it haunts me to this day. I loved him so much, but it doesn’t matter anymore. I feel trapped. Trapped in a life I feel is no longer worth continuing. I feel embarrassed for feeling the way I feel. I’m sick of my feelings being invalidated. I’m sick of being the nice guy. Perhaps it takes a 100 year old oak to snap at its base, crash to the forest floor to get others attention.  So I stand, heart as dense as obsidian and insides eroded….what next?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that I’m tired of being tired. I’m too young to be this tired. I say this with tears in my eyes as I type…I don’t know what’s next.
– WillingToListenOneLastTime
7 comments
…Want to be friends?
Oh dear I couldn’t sleep so I went on the internet and just asked a depressed folk to be friends. Agata wrong with me.
…Want to be friends?
Oh dear I couldn’t sleep so I went on the internet and just asked a depressed folk to be friends. What’s wrong with me.
Sounds like you should talk to your friends, because you’re not getting what you want out of them. Try to explain to them you need support and that you’re not just there to be ranted at. The next time they start ranting at you, walk away. Literally.
It sounds like you feel very alone. It also sounds like you’re not really alone at all. So maybe there’s some way you can feel closer to the people around you, and work on that.
I hope you feel better soon.
Its not necessary to be ugly or fat to feel alone, im tired of life im tired of people and the way they do things the way they only look at themselves. I dont hate me but i hate where im living… I dont belong here, i dont understand where they think theyre going with not seeing more than half a palm in front of their noses, i dont see a future here. Its the people that cause my anguish, my stress. I love this planet if we were all just souls how beautiful would this earth be. I am alone. Im sorry i cant be happy when reading your post or saying anything positive, its because im at the same place as you!
You say you failed with god and tried to reject your sexuality. What do yo mean by that? Is there a way you can feel closer to god or become at peace with him/her as the person you are and have became?
Hey Ian_Viiding, I’m not going to lie to you and pretend looks don’t matter. They do. Fortunately, everyone has the ability to change their body. I have BPD so an unstable self image and seething self hatred simply comes with the territory. For most of my life I loathed and said nasty, hateful things to myself inside my head. People all around me adored and cherished me, but inside I felt like I was worthless.
This may sound like an incredibly easy answer, but the ironic thing is, well, it is an easy answer. I finally decided I wasn’t going to be fat anymore, lost 75 pounds, and now I’m benching my body weight.
I didn’t feel better about myself at first. I had so many years of self hatred packed away that it took time before I really started to view myself better. All the attention I received from females, all the compliments about how great I looked were ignored at first. But slowly, I began to get my confidence back. I can say without a doubt that getting in shape will boost your self esteem several notches REGARDLESS of whatever else you have to hate yourself for.
I strongly encourage you to get back in shape because being obese is hard. No one feels good when they don’t like what they see in the mirror. I wish I could show you some before and after pictures because at my heaviest I was disgusting. I thought I just had an ugly face but the fact is that I just had too much weight on it. You can look much, much better than you think by putting in the effort to get healthy again.
I know this post doesn’t cover the full spectrum of what you mentioned in your original post, but I’ve seen the wonders exercise can do for even the most “worthless” of individuals. I went from hating myself to having quite a bit of confidence. You can have that as well, it just takes effort. Just thought I’d share my experience with you. You can take it or leave it.
@goneandback, I sincerely wish I could remove the religious guilt I have amassed over my 30+ years. Though I haven’t been religiously active for over 10 years, separating what you know from who you are is extraordinarily difficult. Especially as it pertains to holidays, sexuality, etc. In short, I don’t believe there to be any compromise or grey area. Either I serve him whole-heartedly, or I don’t. To do either requires either suppressing who I really am, or being who I am and dealing with all the guilt. If I had an answer on how to fix it over the last 10 years, perhaps I wouldn’t have attempted suicide 2 times before. Even though, thank you for posting.
@Letmesleep, first of all I thank you for the support. Truth be told I have lost weight before as recently as last year (68lbs). Unfortunately I damaged my PCL while running and, well, then the spiral came back (again.) Now I’ve gained 70% of the weight back as I normally do within 1-2 years of losing weight. I lost 70+ in college ’96, 57lbs in 2006 and 68 in 2012. All scenarios resulted in me gaining it all back. I felt more confident at times — but it never materialized into meeting new friends, dating, etc. And Lord knows I tried on all instances. The biggest problem I’ve discovered is I medicate with food. I can only fight the triggers for so long, and I’ve attempted to find healthier outlets. I literally have no friends to hang with, so I go home after stressful day at work — alone — and I eat. It numbs me I guess. Therapists, nutritionists, counselors, family have all helped, or rather attempted to. I don’t know what else to do. And then there is a part of me that wonders why can’t someone love me for me? But I guess I answered that question; I don’t love myself consistently enough. The complexities in my life weave a web that never seems to let go. My weight is but one slice of this frustrating predicament. However I will heed your advise and get more active. I loathe I have to change my body to get people to notice me. If they didn’t want to enjoy my company when I am heavy, why should I invite them when I’m thin? But, if not or anything else, I will attempt to do it for me this time. Forget what anyone else thinks about me fat or thin.