Hello guys, its been about four months i think since i wrote anything. I guess because ive been writting on my journal (which is now burned). For abour a month now…or more, ive been more than depressed. I keep thinking its nothing. I mean im only 15, its normal to feel as if your world is falling apart, or any little thing bothers you because of the way we live or anything like that. Truth is, im getting tired of listening to all these thing. Telling myslf all this things is just huting me even more. Cause really its all fucking lies in my head. Is it really fuckinh normal to stay up all night thinking of how worthless you feel? Or is it normal to hate your life even though things arent even difficult? maybe it is or not. Who knows. I stopped going to therapy due to problems at home. Really…my mom never wanned me to go. she would tell my younger brother kids that go to therapy go because of behavior problems. Or because they are bad kids. It sicken me. Im really just numb at this point. Im so tired of my “friends” ignoring me. I guess im easily replaced since they stared hanging out with other people. I know im so young and i still have so much to live but, really what am i gonna do with my life? I grew up sad all my life. The only memory i actually remember being happy was when i lived with my family. Well my brother’s family…they were there for me. They showed me what love meant. Untill i was abused by one of the most trusted person in my life. I trusted that girl so much…she was like my favorite aunt…but sadly her fucking mind took over. I feel bad about thta at times, just remembering the nights, shed say for me to stay quiet. i did. After that i was never really a happy kid. When my mother brought me to United States i was excited because i though id have a happy life. But then knowing we’d have to live with her boyfriend was a big stab for me. I never really liked him. After years of him verbally abusing my mother he stared to scream at my brother and i, i hated him.Its been six years since we’ve been living with him. After so many times he has hit my mom, scared my brother,  abused my brother, and made me feel as if i should be the one to be dead, i just want to hurt him. Sometimes i feel like i should slit his throat while he’s sleeping. But i cant leave my brother. Sometimes i dont know if im  more homicidal or suicidal. Cutting myself since i was 11 and wanting to be gone since i was 9, not a good way to grow up. Theres not many people i trust to even tell my life to, i cant even find things i love about myself to tell anyone. The only person ive told most things is gone. Only because i never thoughh i deserved to be happy MAybe i should be missrable and sad all the time. I feel so hopeless and usually just want o scream. Putting my shit feelings into paper, or typing isnt as hard as it is to be myself. I guess its easi to write it down because i know people wont give a shit if they read it. Im so tired of life…i really just dont want to be here. I didnt ask to be alive, i didnt ask for life, its my life so why not just kill myself now. My mother wont mind having a problem dissapear from her life. I mean shes always complaining about how i never leave my room, and how people say if theres something wrong with me because im so quiet. Why am i so quiet they say. Im the way i am because i KNOW they dont even care about me. They just judge and criticize me. Yesterday i was really about to kill myself. I was thinking so much, i was thinking of how everything would really be better for my family. And for my so called friend……….it really wouldnt make a difference if im there or not. I mean as i said they find people and leave the suicidal one behind…I miss the only person that made me feel alive, but if i go back to him i’ll just make his life difficult. Always putting him down because i dont think i deserve his love. His ways of helping me. The way he’d hold me as i cried. i was just a mistake. I shouldnt be here anymore, the only thing that stops me is my brother, i dont want him to grow up thinking no one is there for him. I dont want him to grow up the same way im growing up. His my only hope.