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by tangerine

i am an adult, now. at least according to the law – i’ve been an adult for quite some time. i’m 23 years old, on my fourth year of university and nowhere near graduation. i’m majoring in something i don’t love because i don’t love anything. i live away from my family – which is and has been broken for eight years, my mother so depressed she can barely hold a conversation that isn’t self-deprecating and shame-laden, my dad so lonely that it’s physically painful to speak to him, my younger brother so, so angry – and my two friends, who are the only meaningful links i have left to this world ( who are strong and have each other, who will remember me fondly ). where i am, i’m alone. in three years i haven’t made one lasting mark on anyone new.

i was depressed as a teenager, but gaining agency and independence seems to only have made things worse. i’m a financial burden on my lower-class family. i’ve wasted every opportunity given to me. i’m going to fail this semester – fail out of college. i’ve destroyed my body. i’m out of time.

this morning, i took a knife with me into my bathroom. i filled the tub with warm water. i cut my wrists and thighs open. i sobbed for forty minutes and pounded my own head into the wall of my shower, but made sure i didn’t wake my roommate, who was sleeping soundly just one room over.

i was too frightened of the pain, and of the nothingness i know death is. and so i’m still alive.

tonight i’m going to try to overdose.

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9 comments

hazelleyes 2/14/2013 - 9:02 pm

I can relate to you..
Why won’t you try adderal or ritalin for studying?
Give yourself one last chance.
Give yourself one last semester. Maybe if you are able to do something, you won’t feel so lost..
Don’t give up just yet.

Dave_N 2/14/2013 - 9:07 pm

Hi tangerine. Please don’t hurt yourself anymore. Learn to love yourself again. Failing college is not the end of the world. The semester isn’t over yet. If you put in some serious studying time, you can probably still pass your courses. Please don’t give up on life… *hug*

ChristinaRene 2/14/2013 - 9:23 pm

I am sure you can get free counselling in University…seek some help…I did and had my last session last Wednesday…I gave a book as a sign of gratitude to my counsellor which brought tears into my eyes – this was the only time when instead of me she was crying…

Life is fucking unfair – we all know that…but learn to know your sorrow and it will be easier…I am on my last year of University as well and to be honest…I don’t even care anymore whether I pass or not, but I know that I am going to pass just because I am not going to waste all this time and effort…it was the most difficult time in life – I can’t bear the thought that it was for nothing…

No, I am not asking you to be positive, I understand you feel quite shitty and probably you have a reason to feel this way…but why hurt yourself any more…

ChristinaRene 2/14/2013 - 9:23 pm

I meant to say tears in her eyes

Dave_N 2/14/2013 - 9:28 pm

I’m glad to hear that you’re doing better Christina. Good luck in graduating university. *hug*

DawgMom 2/14/2013 - 10:00 pm

Well, I am an adult. I’m 50 and I’ve been depressed since I was a child. I could barely get through High school… so forget college. I ‘tried’ to ‘kill’ myself so many times by the time I was 23 and have carried those (physical) scars all this time. You don’t want that.

If you have 3 years of college knocked out, I bet you can finish. But first, you really need to go to the Campus Counseling Center and let them help you. It sounds like you’re stressed out to the max and really need to talk to someone and get a break (as in a trip to the hospital, maybe). You can get help and get yourself feeling better and finish college. You’ll find a good job – one that pays way better than if you didn’t finish college – and you’ll be able to look back when you’re 50 and feel much better than I do, I bet.

Don’t give up. Don’t keep hurting yourself – just go ask for help. You’re young enough that you have lots of time get healed up and really take life by storm. If you kill yourself, you’ll be robbing yourself of so many awesome things!

MichelleJ 2/14/2013 - 10:17 pm

Seriously, overdosing doesn’t work. You’ve got to be committed to a good method or not do it at all…

onlylonely 2/15/2013 - 1:08 am

Definitely don’t try overdosing. I’ve found you just wake up feeling worse than usual the next morning.

LauraLove 2/15/2013 - 3:16 pm

agreed………od is shit……cutting don’t work….

in fact most things don’t….work

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