4 am…..

It’s 4 am can’t sleep , haunted by my past unable to let it go . Keep thinking that there is only one way to make everything go away . Deep down inside I tell myself to just survive the night , it will get better tomorrow . But the thoughts keep flooding my mind , the old friends that I pushed out my life , the family members that I never talk to . Telling myself that if I let no one love me , or get close to me then it wouldn’t be like I’m hurting anyone but myself .
But the argument keeps going on in my head like the steady beat of a drum .” Do it , It’s not like you’ll ever be missed ” …..” don’t do it things will get better ” .
In these sleepless night I often think about the past , the first time the thought first came to me . Sent home to get my books for school by my teacher which I lost , I seen a truck heading down the road heading directly for me ” don’t move , it will all be over in a moment , then they’ll be no more asshole teacher to worry about , no more alcoholic father or abusive sister . Just let it happen .” But for some reason it didn’t , like the hundreds of other times that thought came I decided to live that day .
I was only 11 years old at the time , and in the 22 years since that first time I’ve bargain with my life countless times . Always saying if things don’t improve by this time I will go though with it . Then the roller coaster starts . Things go good , things go bad , life starts to get amazing then suddenly everything is gone . The pattern of my life is simple , ever since that little boy of myself seen that truck coming towards him , I was split in two . One side I just want that pain to go away , to give up and not deal with any of the small problems that life thows us and the other side that has a absolute certainty life will be better tomorrow as it always been .