A “Will” I am considering

My proposed Note or “will”

(If you don’t give a fuck [as I suspect you don’t] and just want to get to the will skip the paragraphs and go to the bolded text.)

I killed myself because I can’t make heads or tails of life. My luck is almost always bad, and I am tired of hardship. Like many who have been in this place I have contemplated, and while the one’s full of vigor and self-righteousness say to live is the hardest, that isn’t true. It’s taken me a lot of research and commitment to die. Staying alive was not because I chose to do the harder thing, but because I failed to get the gumption to kill myself. My research had led to me finding that only about 1% of suicide attempts are fruitful, and that to fail could mean disability or brain damage which only manage to make a horrible life worse. While I can say that I have food, water, and a place to sleep and that there are many who don’t, it might seem that I’m some spoiled brat who doesn’t see what she has. After a point you have to realize it’s not a matter of what you have but the sustenance for life, that of which I don’t have. Perhaps knowing to much has made life seem fickle and stupid, perhaps my childhood and adult hood are fucked up beyond repair, perhaps I’m tired of religious idiots telling me there’s a god and to join in with their fairy tale. Whatever. Ultimately it’s gotten so bad that I have tried to talk myself into choosing to be happy. While I can pretend nothing is wrong, it itches away at my sanity. I am at a point where I love my boyfriend very much, and despite this list:

1. Lied to me about being married and ruining my reputation, thus my jobs and friendships
2. Raped me disgustingly, licked my eyes and ears and nostrils, to the point my eyes became infected in the following days
3. Wrote poems to another girl and claimed her just wanted to be with her, though she turn him down he replied, I hope you change your mind. When on dates with her while I was in class.
4. Repeated offenses regarding trying to acquire another girl via Craigslist.
5. Continues to go on Craigslist after I tried to commit suicide.
6. Raped me when I was under the influence of drugs and alcohol and unable to respond in the attempt of my suicide.
7. Continued to pursue girls on Craigslist even after a miscarriage/traumatic event not one week later, and actually was about to go on a date with one the night I found out.
8. Made adds on craigslist for threesomes periodically with other couples and specifically went after married women, claimed I was a bad partner, and couldn’t give a fuck about me, and needed release from someone else.
9. Even after I tried to get away he threatened suicide, and because I loved him I returned at my own expense.
10. Ran out of the bank from a girl that wanted his baby suspiciously, perhaps to avoid and undoing.
11. Possibly obtained naked pictures of my sister and then unsuccessfully (to my knowledge) black mailed her for more.
12. Possibly is lying up and down and coming up with conspiracy theory to shirk the claim.

(Will add more as shit happens until the day I successfully kill myself)

I can chose to do what the shrink said and assess why I am in this relationship, clear my head and leave everything behind that was “good” that we built. Or I can sit and smile like nothing’s wrong and have sudden bursts of courage and try to go about my day as the facts itch away at me. Although I do truly think he loved/s me, and something inside tells me  he cares, and is just a flawed man, I also lean to think that I have been so traumatized that I can no longer recognize when to flee and continually make excuses for him for my own mental health in an estranged way to make it work. The sister question though is enough to make my gut churn, but not in the way that it burns and twists, but in the solemn I’m certain something isn’t right here be it either me or him.

Either he’s a huge sociopath that couldn’t give two shits about me and happens to mimic emotions and have a cunning tongue, or I am just so fucked up and value myself so little that I can’t do what most girls would do, get up and run. Or is it most girls? So many girls stay in situations that they shouldn’t, and with no logical reason from the outside. I actually fear going to a shrink because she would tell me to leave and tell myself that they don’t know us, and don’t understand. But in the past I was right where they were sitting, wondering why women couldn’t grow a brain and just leave. But it then falls to the excuse of all other woman, I love him. I’ve also played with the idea that all men are flawed (which very well may be true with how the cheating and sex slave industry is booming and all) and that he perhaps is not one of the worst ones, and that I could perhaps survive knowing he will always cheat, and invision being in some one elses panties, while I am doing something progressive such and school, or something for him like washing dishes or cleaning his home. But then, why would I want to be some undervalued instrument for his pleasure and home care . . . it’s better off to be alone by that point. No? I’ve thought of it, going off on my own with the salvation army or SOS or some shit, to help people and get myself out of this hell I’m living. But I can’t. I feel and intense guilt to stay.

What if he didn’t get my sisters pictures, and they were planted, what if he really did never has sex with anyone since we’ve been together, what if he didn’t plan on leaving me for Cecilia? What if he hadn’t had an affair with Sylivia,  and he really just ran out of the bank because her presence upset him, what if he really meant to tell me of his marriage but was afraid. So many what if’s, my heart can’t take it anymore. I’ve been in so many seriously relationships, I know that I don’t have another one in me. Even in this last relationship I find myself unexcited for the future, and am afraid to fully attach to him, although this may be deemed as fully attached to some, it isn’t. I have to trust a person for that to be a true statement with all that trust implies. I have no desire for kids for fear of being left alone with them, I have no desire to more forward for fear I will go to far in the wrong direction with my life only to find I will need to restart again, I refuse to get married because all that is implies is disgusting. So, among other things, a hatred of being forced to live with someone I attempted to befriend just to have them toss out my generosity with threats of medical bills, and defacing my character, not unlike and incident that set of my first mental breakdown in Ohio, regarding Jen, whom took advantage of my hospitality then literally paid someone to keep us out of a party of mutual friends.

To say that people care about me is stupid, my sister has to force herself to ask how I’m doing, because she doesn’t care. My mother continues to hurt herself with alcohol and her weight, obviously not caring that she’s going to make the second parent that will miss anything important in my life, and all not be present when I need them. My boyfriend does, but read the list, that’s self-explanatory, hell my dad gave Carol the insurance money and left us hanging with no support at all with regards to our future, but I bet Carol is doing fine where are she happens to be drinking tonight. So all in all, I am un-cared about. I have a few family members that loosely keep in touch, but on all honestly they would not miss me.

So really I am suffering in vein. Eventually I will find a way, I will be successful. So when I am, and I get the gumption, know it’s no one’s fault, and that I chose to because life it pointless.

To my sister I leave jack shit because she will break it, sell it, or piss it away.

To my boyfriend I leave w/e  is needed to cover any debt he has, and sell what he can to pay off his car and/or to fund at least 3 dates with some hapless girl whom he will more than likely con into thinking he has a heart . .  so that he may be able to start over.

What isn’t used for these purposes goes to my mom to waste as she wishes on alcohol or some work out or as seen on TV thing she will never use, or perhaps the debt I didn’t manage to get rid of before I killed myself. But, I will try to stay alive long enough to eliminate that so that I am not a financial burden to anyone.

As for what to do with my worthless corpse. Just burn it. Please don’t keep me in an urn I would hate that, just toss it in a dumpster somewhere, that will do just fine. I would prefer that my boyfriend had custody of the, imagine me laughing, estate.

 

Last words: “life is a precious only when it is valued”