After 11 Years Of Hell

After over a decade of trying to slog on through this bleak existence, and being guilt-tripped continuously into persevering, I am all out of stamina for the fight anymore.  Too many things, too many broken emotions, too many medical tags stuck onto this tortured, agony-racked being.  I don’t even think those closest to my heart would begrudge me seeking eternal peace and relief from this cruel world, if they could understand the pain I go through on a daily basis.

I have had 3 botched overdoses with different meds, and tried hanging once but the cord stretched too much, and contemplated stepping off the roof of a multi-storey car park, but two things stopped me a)the guilt that my ex would feel, and b)the height wasn’t going to be enough to be instantly fatal.

So I have bought 2 packs of zopiclone, a pack of zolpiderm, and along with a fair bit of alcohol to wash it down, and some metoclopramide to stop me from vomiting it all up, hopefully this time I shouldn’t fail.  As they say, being dead’s easy, its the dying part that’s hard, and all I ever seem to is screw up on that part!!

All I have to do is wait for the meds to arrive, but the waiting is getting hard, all I want to do is go.  Now.  However, I have promised myself that I don’t want to traumatise anyone upon discovering me in a gruesome, gory way.  I just can’t help visualising the pedestrian overpass that goes over the dual carraigeway, which is quite high up, it’s got to be a good third extra higher than the car park roof, and it’s just so hard to fight the temptation of sitting on that railing and falling backwards towards peace.  But what if I hit a car on the way down, and that car had a child in it?  I want to ideally just slip away quietly, not in a disruptive way like that, or throwing myself in front of a train.

It’s difficult.  Thankyou for your time.