Drunk…

The only way I seem to feel slightly happy is intoxicated. And even then, it’s not that I’m really happy so much as I don’t care about my problems. I tried to give up drinking and smoking weed last july, but about two weeks ago I caved. Apparently the only time people seem to enjoy my company is when I’m messed up on something. A few days ago, a couple guys who I hadn’t seen in a while showed up at my house, and convinced me to get high. I was happy to have anyone around, so it wasn’t difficult for them to persuade me. Next thing I know, they brought me along to a party that I wasn’t actually invited to, and I ended up in a corner alone for most of it (so much for being appreciated while intoxicated). Somehow, it made me feel worse to be alone and surrounded by people talking and having fun than when I’m by myself. The guys that brought me ditched me, one left with his girlfriend and the other left with a couple other guys to get drunk. I managed to bum a ride home off of a guy I recognized from my school’s swim team, and proceeded to get incredibly drunk by myself, like several other times in the past couple weeks. I don’t know whats wrong with me, I try to be normal and fun, but somehow I always end up alone in the end. I’ve gone to school several times in the past couple weeks with a hangover, and my grades are suffering. I feel so broken…