How do I start over?

It seems that when I was I was honest with myself, I at least had the comfort of knowing that I could maybe fix the problem. I feel hopeless and feel like I still lie to myself. I’m in disastrous relationships. Plural. And I don’t have my family around to being me down to earth or make me feel like I’m not alone. I’ve ruined my relationship with my best friend from high school and I don’t really talk to anyone except  my boyfriend anymore and maybe my parents from time to time. I encircle myself with “friends” I do not feel suit me anymore. How do I let go of that pride and anger that keeps me mending my relationship with my best friend from high school? Should I even amend the damage that was done? Am I too needy now to hold on to friends like that. In high school, even though I did not have a boyfriend and even though I was not popular much, AT LEAST I had the comfort of having a few friends I could kick back laugh and have fun with. I don’t have that anymore and I have become bitter. It’s ironic how this is exactly what I would have wanted in high school give or take a few friends more in my junior year. But how I long to have exactly what I had in high school over this. My friends would not be the problem. My parents would. Now I have somewhat mended if not given up on the relationship I have always wanted with my parents. I know I will never have what I have wanted but I came to peace with that a year or so ago. How do I step out of haze of depression and anxiety that holds me back? . I had a huge drinking problem in my sophomore year of college. I was also suspended for my grades after my sophomore year, which really gave me a jolt of reality.  I have had suicidal thoughts ever since the beginning of my sophomore year. I thought I came back stronger after getting two straight semesters of straight A’s in community college,getting back into my current university, and fixing my drinking problem. No one except my family and my boyfriend know I had been suspended. I still have suicidal thoughts frequently especially when I fight with my boyfriend. I have two more years of college now because I am now a year behind all my “friends.” They are graduating this semester including my boyfriend. Now it’s a matter of being able to branch out and be my own person again. Make friends with people I want to be friends with, stop focusing on the bullshit and build a life for myself I am proud of. Should I break up with my boyfriend if I feel he facilitates this behavior by “baby”-ing me? Or should I remain committed? I would be so lonely without him since I lost the friends I had- and the ones I have left I do not want to have. He would not be lonely because he always tries to make new friends and be friendly to everyone. In fact, sometimes he is overly friendly and it makes me feel overshadowed. Everyone definitely likes him better as a person, or so it feels. I don’t think I’ve felt comfortable in my own skin ever since 7^th or 8^th grade of middle school, but this year is one of the worst it’s felt . I have terrible social anxiety and depression. How do I feel comfortable in my own skin ever again?